Hypocrites

I found out some interesting things today from a fairly reliable source. I was told some things in regards to people I went to high school with. I gotta say, I feel like a saint these days. In high school I felt so judged by my peers. It seemed as if I was this horrible, God-awful person, when in fact I was actually a pretty good kid. I didn't smoke or do any sort of drugs and I still don't do any to this day. I've never touched a cigarette or anything else and I've never shot up anything. So I'm clean and I'm proud of that. Drinking is a different story. I had my part phase when I was 15-16, I'll admit that, but after all that, I rarely drink. In fact I forget I'm 21 half the time. Anyway, this information I had found out shocked me. I didn't know if I should believe it at first, but these boys did get into all that business back in the day until they all randomly because this overly religious group that everyone hated. I never hated the guys, but sometimes I felt they were a bit overbearing for most people. And I also had this awkward feeling when I would be around them sometimes that I was lower than them. Like I wasn't good enough to be associated with them. And now, they do all the partying and all that. I hardly everrrrrr party. I'm sorta lame I guess, but I don't get caught up in all the hype of it. I have a select few people I will drink with and thats it. I don't go to these random house parties and drink, smoke...whatever. This is the life I have choosen and I know I'm a good person inside and out. I've made mistakes, yes, but haven't we all? We aren't perfect, we're only human. Its natural to make mistakes, its how we learn.

She's Back and We're Going to Dinner

Alyssa is back and a group of us girls are going to dinner tonight! I'm not sure where just yet. I've heard Applebee's and Cheddar's. I guess I'll find out later. I'm not sure what else we're doing, if anything, but either way there will be about 8 of us I think. Should be a good time. As I mentioned before Alyssa was in a car accident back in August. Brianna was also in the car as well. That was a crazy day. My car got broken into that very morning and then later that night my friends get in an accident and are rushed to the hospital. Talk about bad luck! I'm just glad they made it out ok and weren't too badly injured because the Blazer certainly took a beating, thats for sure. It was so smashed, I couldn't believe they made it out alive quite honestly. And whats crazy is the fact that I wasn't with them. Usually we're all 3 hanging out, but at that current time I wasn't. God knows what would've happened to me. I would've been in the backseat and I likely would've gotten hurt pretty bad. Most of the top of the Blazer got smashed in, so who knows. But to see my 2 very good friends ly on hospital beds with neck braces and whatnot attached to them was heartbreaking. I was overwhelmed with tears, I didn't know what to say or do, but Alyssa and Brianna assured me that they felt fine and that Sadie, Holly, and I didn't need to cry or worry. Either way if you see your friends just laying there helpless you don't know what to think. I'm just glad I still have both of them in my life today. Who knows how things would be if they weren't.

Tired and Busy

I just woke up around 1pm and I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep right now. I got home verrrrrry late lastnight and I didn't sleep til I finally got home. Talk about a long night! I met some very random people. They were nice guys and girls and I hadn't planned on doing so, but its not a bad thing. I'm glad I met them. Not that I really need to know more people in Joplin, but ah well, its all good. I have so much I've got to get done today before I leave my parents and head back up to Springfield. The day isn't wasted too much yet, but if I hadn't gotten home so late I could've woken up earlier today and got a running start to everything. I'm just not going to sweat it. Everything will pan out just fine.

So here's what I have realized over the last 2 days - I still have feelings for this guy. I can't exactly say why or how, but I do. I don't know if its worth it or not, but there is something about him that intrigues me like no other guy has. He looks nothing like the guy I typically go for, in fact he's near polar opposite and thats moderately strange for me, but I don't know what I'm to do about it. We kind of brought up our past and discussed it a bit. We somewhat have the same viewed feelings in a way, but from that I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I can sound really pathetic about it, but I refuse. I just think its amazing how a guy can grow so much, in a more benefiting way, (for me that is) since high school. I wish I could figure out why I feel this way, but there is something tugging at my heart strings - or atleast what's left of them and its making me think. I don't know if the moment this morning was something? It certainly seemed like it, but it could possibly only be nothing.

Going to Joplin...Again

Good afternoon! I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked lastnight. Granted I got home really late so its my own fault, oh well. Most of my evening was spent at a church, weirdly. Apparently a friend has a key to a church and so we went there and they played their guitars and sang. However I'm going to Joplin again today. The reason is because my brother is getting his stereo installed and my mom and I gotta go pick him up instead of making him sit around for 2 hours while they do their work. And in the mean time during all that, we're going to go to Best Buy and TjMaxx I think? Maybe somewhere else as well, not really sure. Either way, make for a good time killer until my brother receives a phone call in regards to his Jeep being completed so we can we head back over there and pick it up. Oh and I think after that is done we're going to try this restaurant up there called Coconuts Tropical Grill. I heard its pretty good, I guess we shall see! And apparently they have something called Pineapple Slaw. Sounds weird I know, but I think I may give it a shot. I think after dinner, I'm going to meet up with my high school friend again and hanging out with him for awhile. I've gotta contact him here in a bit and see whats up for his evening, but I figure I'm up there so I just as well anyway, right? Not like I have anything else to do really. And perhaps tonight will be interesting. Maybe I won't end up hanging out at a church again. (Ha, I kid, it wasn't that bad, just weird since it was around 10pm)

Joplin

I'm going up to Joplin tonight to see a friend that I graduated high school with...almost 3 years ago! Him and I have a small past, but its never made any difference. We're still good friends and we talk from time to time. I just told him that we needed to hang out when I came down for spring break and alas, we are. I'm not sure what we're getting into, if anything, but we shall see I guess. Being that its been a few years since we've actually seen eachother and spoke there will likely be a lot of catching up to do - which will surely take up most of the evening. I don't know when I'm driving up there or where I'm going, but I will soon find out. I think I'm meeting some of his friends he's made since playing baseball. I hope he hasn't changed too much. It will likely crush me. I know baseball boys have a reputation and I hate it. I've been around the block a few times with a baseball player or two and its never good. Talk about bad news bears. So I try to avoid those type. Although, I've gotta admit, he's different. He sings and plays guitar amazingly and he enjoys skateboarding. What baseball player is like that? Could someone possibly tell me? The answer is - none. Most ball players I know are all about baseball and hunting and perhaps even country music. I don't know why that is. But he's so much more than that. He doesn't wear camo, he hates country music, and he doesn't surround himself with baseball and baseball only. He doesn't care for video games, so yay no Halo and Call of Duty. I don't know another single player that isn't that way. Maybe I'm just crazy...

Dallas

Danny, as I mentioned before, went to Dallas yesterday to visit our friend Evan. I'm jealous because I'm stuck here in Missouri. Although, I could've gone if I wanted to apparently. Evan contacted me on myspace and said I should go with Danny down to Dallas, but I thought he was joking. Plus I don't have money to just go spend on a weekend down there. It makes me pretty sad because apparently they're going to go to a Mavericks game - I so would love to go, Six Flags I think, and something else I can't remember. Of course they're going to go out on the town and have a fantastic time as well. I wish I could've gone, that would've been so fun! Plus I need to get away from Missouri anyway. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to have fun with ourselves. Ok, so some of you may think thats not true, but it is for me. I take things seriously and I don't have as much fun as I should. Which I hate because I always complain that I'm not having fun with my life, but its only my fault right? Oh well...

On the upside, my good friend Alyssa is returning to Springfield Monday, finally. She was in a wreck back in August and had to have surgeries and was on bed rest for weeks! After therapy and whatnot she can finally return to Springfield and finish school. She only has about 2 months left so atleast she won't be there too long. I'm just so happy that she's back and I can actually hang out with her again. Its been so long. I've only seen her about 4 maybe 5 times since the wreck. I can't wait for Monday!

When Will He Learn

I haven't quite figured out why my other brother hasn't grasped the fact that what he does isn't right and that he hurts our family with the actions he does and with what he chooses to do with his life. He doesn't seem to make the right choices with things and always gets caught up in all the bad. It hurts my parents so bad. They can only do so much and deal with so much till they almost break. But my brother doesn't have much remorse in regards to the fact of what he does. He will feel bad for a day or two but its always back to what he always does. It never fails. I wish he would just change how he is and be who I know he can be. He's a brilliant man, but he doesn't put his smarts to work. I think he lacks some common sense. We all think that in our family. And I, myself, think that he can't tell people "no" either so all his friends take advantage of him and use him for whatever they can. He may not admit that, but I know how he is. He will do anything for anyone, which isn't always a bad thing, it can be good, but when people use you in evil ways that isn't good at all. But he doesn't know the difference between the 2 I'm pretty sure. For some reason my brother will say he's going to do something really quick, take my moms car and be gone for days. And while all this is going on my parents swear thats it and that they've had enough, he will return and they talk it all out, but it starts all over again in a matter of days. I just don't understand...will he ever get it?

What a Deal!

Today my brother, Jason, came over to visit. He needed to go to Joplin to Creative Car Audio. He's finally wanting to put a cd player in his Jeep Wrangler. After years of having his Jeep he finally decided to have one installed. I know the manager of the store in Joplin, used to date him. So I basically had to go with my mom and brother to the shop. Anyway, we head up there and we go through the typical motions of getting a cd player chosen and a date to install it. Of course I get chatted up by my previous interest, but thats nothing new coming from him. And by no means am I talking bad about him, he's a really nice guy and all, I just can't potentially have anything with him right now. Things aren't able to make that happen presently. With me back in college in Springfield and him working at his job in Joplin it makes things difficult. He's not able to make visits to me and vice versa. Anyway after we left there, we headed over to a place called Academy Sports and Outdoors. My brother was needing to find a new trampoline jumping surface. His old one got a bit chewed up in storage. So we thought maybe we could find just the mat there. No luck. Although, I have this deep fascination with athletic clothes, its quite weird, so I was meandering though all the Nike, Puma, Adidas, and Under Amour apparel and I fell in love with this white Nike jacket. I HAD to have it. I have several black jackets, but not a white one. So once I convinced my brother to get me this $40 jacket he finally agreed. We get through the check out and it turns out my jacket ended up being $10! How awesome is that! It was so meant to be. I was destined to have it, I swear. So by the end of it, I was a pretty happy camper, as was my brother since it only cost him $10 instead of $40! =)

March Madness

I am all about my bracket as usual this year for March Madness...as well as almost every guy - yes, I said guy - around the U.S. I love March Madness and everything its brings with it, although I get so mad and frustrated when my bracket gets all screwed up because of a surprising upset from an underdog team. Its one way to totally jack it all up and I lose points. And then after that, my rank goes down. I know what you're thinking, I'm a girl...why am I into the NCAA? Well I just am. I get into it every year. My girl friends make fun of me because they could care less. I will be watching the games on tv and start yelling because of some call or some stupid foul and my friends just sarcastically agree with me or in some cases just ignore me. I'm a huge UNC fan so I just always say the Tar Heels are going to win it all. I'm that confident in the team that no matter what I always root for them. Of course I get called a band wagon fan, but thats definitely not the case. I've been a fan of the Tar Heels for years. I don't even remember when I started to really get into that college team. I just hope they don't let me down WHEN they get to the Final Four. I know they will achieve that high rank nationally and when they play whomever from the East they will overcome everything and become national champs. Or atleast thats what I'm pulling for. I may get a big let down, but we shall see what happens in the coming weeks! Be ready America, UNC will dominate this year and I will see them be victorious.

Motivation and Plans

I'm going to be lacking so much motivation over this break I'm pretty sure. I don't know how I'm going to get these entries done. I know I won't do much over my break to speak about so I'll just have to muster up some randomosities to mumble about. Its very likely that this following week of posts won't be all that fun and interesting. So if I've kept you reading and I let you down this week, I'm sorry. I haven't got much going on this week that I know of. I just might see friends and call that good ha. I'm not sure if my parents have anything planned worthwhile to do. Likely not in my case. I can usually keep myself pretty occupied in most cases. Whether it be sitting at my computer just messing around online or talking with my family and whatnot. I'm sure I'll have a good time either way, no matter what it is that I end up doing. I just need to make sure I keep up with my entries for blogger. On another note, I know I'm going to start missing my friends from Springfield soon. I feel bad because Brianna lives by herself she always had me over so she didn't get bored. I think she will make it until I return. I mean, I will be back soon enough and all. Until then she will probably spend a lot of her time at her moms I'm sure. She's been sick, but I think she's almost recovered. Hopefully anyway, I mean geez, after about 3 weeks of a sickness you'd think someone would be over it. All of our immune systems are different, I know. And we all deal with sickness in different ways, but I feel awful for her cause I just want her to recover and be well enough again.

Tonight

This evening I visited an ex of mine, Danny. I haven't seen him in years! I think its close to 3 or so now. Anyway, he drove down to my parents house in Neosho from Joplin and picked me up. We went to Club 609 in Joplin for dinner. I'd never been there so I figured why not. And the menu had soooo many choices, I was at a loss at what to choose. I ended up with the Chicken Palermo. It was quite good. We also had an appetizer which was something like a buffalo chicken quesadilla? Or something along thoses lines. Whilst having dinner we notice people walking all weird outside the restaurant. They had make up on that makes them look like zombies. I had totally forgotten someone had since me some invite to a "zombie walk" on Main street. Haha, wow. I didn't think it'd actually happen. But to my surprise there they all were...zombied up! Everyone in the restaurant got a good laugh. Then a bit later, we had a bit of entertainment. Some guy was singing and playing music. Wasn't too bad, but I honestly couldn't hear anything. Oh well. After we left there, we drove around for a bit and then went over to this girl Blake's parents house and hung out with them. Not, Blake and Eric, but Blake's parents...yes, I know, but they were awesome! I wouldn't mind having them as parents honestly. (No offense to mine, I love mine to death and I wouldn't change them for anything!) After we left there, we went by his house and I got to see Luke. He's a buddy of mine from back in the day. They live together now. I thought that was convenient. I always tell Luke I'm going to visit him and I finally got a chance to see him for once. I kept my word. I hope I can possibly see him again before I leave to go back to Springfield, but we shall see!

Spring Break

This year for spring break I'm going down to my parents for the week. Just getting away from school and other shenanigans what bring me down through out the week. Over time I get dragged down and bummed about things involving classes and whatnot. Being its all I know and breathe for weeks on end. Full of homework, assignments, exams, and even some new friendships along the way. I will be glad to have school finish and done with when the time comes, but for now I have to battle through the trenches and roll with the punches that the professors give me. Hopefully I will see friends from back home and visit with them. I miss all my friends down there so much. It sucks and I hate it. They know me for who I am and respect me for how I am. I don't see many people from my hometown, nor do I care to. Not trying to make it sound bad, but once I graduated I didn't much care to keep ties with many of them. Most judged me horribly and negatively, unlike my friends from Joplin. However, all in all I wasn't a bad person to begin with. I hung out with older people because the ones from my class didn't talk to me much, unless there was no one else around to talk to - as if they would be ashamed to talk to me otherwise. I thought that was a rather good influence among my peers. I never gave in to peer pressure or anything. I did my own thing, perhaps thats whats wrong with me. I didn't listen to what anyone told me. I believed in myself and did things for myself. I hate depending on anyone or giving anyone my problems to deal with. They are my own so I take care of them myself.

iCarly

Have you ever seen iCarly? Well, I'll admit it, as a 21 year old, I actually enjoy the show. I know its directed towards pre-teens and whatnot, but its moderately enjoyable. When there isn't anything else on tv anyway. I've discovered I'm not the only one who agrees. My buddy Adam is guilty of watching the show too haha. Along with his roommates whom, are all older than I am. Around 26 years of age ha. iCarly isn't the only show in Nickelodeon I've watched. I occasionally watch Drake and Josh too. And with my luck they seem to run one right after the other on most occasions. And I will watch them if they're on. There's no doubt. My family usually in most cases make me change the channel when there is some stupid tv show on, but I think they enjoy them as well. So all in all, I think most people enjoy these comical shows on Nick. They are more versatile than they used to be I'm pretty sure. Back in the day, you would definitely have to be a kid to watch and enjoy what was on the tv network. Does anyone recall any of the shows from back in the day when they were kids? I do! They were basically the best. Including the cartoons. Rocko's Modern Life, Angry Beavers, Ren & Stimpy. I remember it like it was yesterday. I just wish I could get them on dvd so I could watch them whenever I wanted. But alas, I can't. Maybe one day they will realize the guys and girls from my generation miss their childhood shows and would love to have the chance to own them on dvd! I would seriously buy them. Then I could show my children what cartoons really are when I have them someday. Instead of exposing them to what we call tv now.

Homework and Exams

Is it just me or do professors like to pile on the homework and tests when its the week right before spring ‘break?! Haha. It seems this week is almost ridiculous with the work I'm receiving to do and have done by Friday. Its making me very stressed lately. But I will be glad to have the week over with so I can enjoy my following week down at my parents with nothing to worry about! It will be great. I have 3 tests this week. One of Thursday and two on Friday. Go figure on myself having two on Friday. Make sure we come to class I know. I just hope I do well. That’s what I'm worried about right now. If I can at least maintain the grades I have right now in my classes I will do fine the rest of the semester. If I improve them, even better! I guess we shall see what happens though right? I'm sure I'm just over analyzing it all and making it much more of a worry than I should. Although that’s my little problem, I stress out over little things that I shouldn't. My mother and friends always tell me things will work out just fine, but I always fear it won't. In the end though it usually works out pleasantly and makes me a happy camper, but I can't help but have that initial fear of "what if this happens...". I think perhaps I should try to be less stressed. It can go along with my plan of being more optimistic. My being more optimistic idea is coming along bit by bit and seems to be going well for myself, but I have discovered, I'm pissing off people. Not my intention, I'm saying things in a realistic way and as nice as I can possibly come across, but it hasn't been taken lightly apparently.

Yesterday

I had decided on Sunday afternoon after talking to my mother on the phone that I was going to be optimistic about things. I have no reason to be negative. Its going to be a struggle for me to try to look on the brighter side of things, but I'm willing to do it. However, anyway, yesterday, Monday, I was having a superb day. Went to class and all that jazz. Although my day started at 8am because of lab, there was still a little jump in my step. So I went about my day and I had planned on going running at the Chesterfield Family Center. I came to the house, I realized I didn't have any homework to do and that made me so excited. I really thought, "Man, today is a fantastic day!" Even my bank and money situation is fixed now! I no longer had to worry about it. So around 2pm I headed out the door to my car, iPod in hand and ready to go for a run. I get in my car and back out of the driveway. I start to slowly drive away and thats when I hear it. There was a flapping noise that I didn't hear earlier in the day. I stop in the middle of the street and open my car door to look back and see I have a flat tire. Yes, a flat tire! Here I was thinking today was such a great day and now I have to deal with a tire. Awesome. So my grandfather comes home and sees me staring at my tire. I was pondering what to do with the situation. God knows I can't change the thing. I know my grandpa can't, he's too old. So drats! I called my dad and asked him what I should do, but I decided to try to do it myself and at no avail I didn't succeed. I text my buddy Chad and asked him to help, he said he would after he got off work. All while I'm having to text like 5 other people this cause they aren't understanding why I stopped replying. I'm getting disgruntled. Finally my grandpa decides we should go get that can of "Fix a Flat" or whatever. And we did. Only $5. So I put that in there so I could just air up the tire enough to drive it somewhere to get fixed. Well as its airing it up, I hear air coming right back out! I feel around and then I get pricked! The wires from my tire on the inner side close to the axle are exposed. No wonder I have a flat! After all that, we get in my car and drive to Bridgestone. The guys were super nice to me there - gee, wonder why. They look at it and put it up in the air. One guy comes in the waiting room needing my attention to go out there and look. He shows me that the tire is "loose" by shaking it and I thought, well that isn't right. Well, apparently the bearing is ruined. Which if gone unnoticed can totally throw off my alignment and I'd be in more trouble. Great! Just another thing added. The bill was already $90 something for just a new tire to be put on. I waited about 2 1/2 hours there for them to get done. (They had to wait on the part to get there) In the end my grandpa was out close to $500, just for a damn tire! I feel so bad, ugh, talk about an expensive day!

(If this doesn't make sense, my apologies. I get really into stories haha)

Heart Attack

When my dad had a heart attack back in 2005, I found that to be very significant and life changing for me. I had grown up thinking here's this man, my hero. He's so invincible, but he's not invincible at all. He's just like anyone else. Like you or me. In the blink of an eye I almost lost him forever. It really made me realize that life is precious and you've got to value every moment you have with someone, big or small. You never know what might happen and life can be taken away at any moment.

That morning when I woke to get ready for school, I took a shower and went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water, as I always did in high school. When I made my way through the living room I noticed my father making the strangest sounds and sweating. I was completely confused. I asked him if he was ok and he slightly mumbled he was fine. I knew something was wrong. Later, when I finally got dressed and ready for school, I came back down and my dad was up trying to walk around, he was stumbling like he was drunk! I had no idea what was going on. Next think I know he said he needed to go to the hospital and he almost fell to his knees in weakness. I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss. I was 17 and in that moment I couldn't even remember how to get to the hospital! So I ran upstairs and woke Joe, my brother. I told him dad needed to go to the hospital and he shot up, very alert to everything. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't know, but he said he needed to go. I didn't know what to do so he said he'd take him. Apparently he made a 30 minute drive to Joplin in about 10 minutes to one of the best cardiovasular hospitals around, St. Johns. I went about my way going to school that day, but I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with my father. I wasn't focused on anything but that the entire day. I even told a teacher that I was likely expecting a phone call from my family and I explained what had happened. He said it was perfectly fine and if I needed anything to let him know. I finally received a phonecall in his class and my mom told me my dad was going into surgery the next day. I obviously missed school and stayed at the hospital the entire Wednesday when he had his surgery. They had to do 6 bypasses and we were informed that he had been having a heart attack for a few days. It was just slowly building. I was so glad we got him to the hospital in time. He spent a week there then he was released to go home! Quite a quick recovery I'd say. Although he wasn't able to return to work or do much around the house for the next month or so.

I'm just so thankful he's here today. I don't know where I'd be or how I'd get by without him! Love you daddy!

A Shrink Without the License

Apparently I'm a wonderful person to talk to when you're having problems. As I'm informed anyway. Ever since I can remember, atleast since around 7th grade, if not before that, I've been one that people can turn to when they're facing something difficult. Or even with any sort of a problem they're having. And they ask for my honest opinion. I'm guessing they trust me and what my thoughts are. I have no hesitation at firing my thoughts at someone. Take it or leave it. It might help you or it might not. It all depends if you let it sink in and consider it. But usually my flat out honestly is right. Most of the time I've come to realize is that its usually my guy friends or even my exes who come running to me needing answers. Whether its regarding a girl or just an opinion on what they should do about something, I get it all piled on me. I know why they ask me about girls...I'm a girl, so of course they figure I have all the answers they could possibly need to know. Which may or may not be true. Not all girls are the same, nor will they have the same response to something. I like to consider myself a "guys girl", in which case I mean that I can relate to guys better than girls and can totally hang out with guys better than girls. I have 2 older brothers and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never been "too overly" girly, but I do know that I am girly enough to enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty. Every girl loves that, hands down. Plus I did go to cosmetology school, so I must enjoy my female side a little bit. =)

Future

I wish I knew my future and what it holds for me. But don't we all want to know that?? I really just wish I knew what my career is going to end up being - cause as of late, I keep jumping from one to the other, who it is that I'm supposed to marry - hell, it could even be someone I already know, but they haven't appealed to me yet, if I will have boys or girls for children and their names - I've been hoping for 2 boys for years haha. Where will I live as I grow older? Will everything work itself out in the end? Everyone says it will, but I have my doubts because nothing ever works out for me. I don't have the best luck...with anything, to put it simply. This may just be me complaining, but it never fails, just when I think everything may work out fine, something comes up from behind and pushes me. So then I'm covered in dirt, or in this case, I become this huge pessimist about EVERYTHING and I stay that way until I think its time to stop complaining about what happened last and move on. This can last merely a day to weeks at a time. Depends on what happened. I personally think I'm overly cursed when it comes to guys, but what do I know I guess. Here's part of the problem - I used to put myself out there too much and get rejected and now I don't put myself out there enough so guys don't think I'm really interested in them. I don't know how to make it a happy medium. Ugh. I need guidance more than anything I think. If I only knew someone who could help me. Anyone know a life coach? Haha.

In the Way

I currently have a few situations "in my way" as of late. And its really starting to take its toll on me. I mentioned the scam I got into last week...that's still being settled. As far as I know anyway. So I'm still sitting in the negative in my bank account and that's very frustrating for me. I've never been negative in/for anything in my life! So its a low blow. I also have no job right now, which I'm working on trying to get - hm, working on, how ironic. And on top of that, I thought I was going to have problems with tuition. I received a letter informing me that there were costs that needed to be paid. And by the way it sounded, it was as if my A+ wasn't going to cover it. So I started to freak out because I thought I was going to have to drop my classes this semester and completely start again this fall. I went by the cashiers office after classes yesterday, and alas, it is all good. I only owe about $40 some dollars, just for my labs. Thank god! So that just rolled right off my back. But! I also have to worry about my classes and that I need to study for them. Thats stressing me out. They seem to be piling on homework lately. I think its because we have springbreak coming up on the 23rd so they want to get in as much as they can. Which is making it difficult for my social life currently. (Not that I have a huge one anyway, but with the one I do have its getting overtaken) Oh well. They should understand that I'm making school a top priority. Maybe not number one, but its a close 2nd. I, myself, am number one. I'm trying to keep my happiness elevated and my sadness at base. I know this will all pass, as they say, but I wish I could get all this sorted out sooner!

Warmer Weather

Here's what I've been thinking for the past couple days: When the weather gets warm again, I'm going to start running (definitely not around the neighborhood - probably on some public trail close to where I live), but I need to start. I think it will be good for me to just let out built up stress and frustrations. Plus I'll get in fairly decent shape while I'm at it. I'm going to slowly try to get into the swing of exercising, running, and working out everyday. Or at least every other day. Its a goal I'm setting and I intend to reach it. I just hope I don't let myself down. I would like to have someone accompany me, but I doubt that will happen. So I shall be flying solo on this one I guess.

I love winter, but I hate it at the same time. I love it cause its cooler and its so beautiful with blankets of snow. But its downfall is the fact that you can't be very active during the winter so you pack on pounds! (I may not look like it, but I know my body haha) The warmer months are more pleasurable in the fact that I can go outside and burn fat and calories - slim down more, but I HATE sweating. I just hate that feeling. I instantly want to go take a shower and restart my day. Its nauseating to know that even if you were to walk around stark naked on a typical July day you would still feel miserable and clammy. I hate that. If the weather could be around 65-75 year round somewhere I'd be set for life. I'd never live anywhere else. Now if only I can find this paradise of wonder and enjoyment I seek!

Incubus Tour!

It was announced today that Incubus IS actually going to have a U.S. Tour this summer! (It was in talks for awhile and it wasn't very likely) So if you know me at all, you are well aware that I'm a HUGE Incubus fan, so I'm pretty stoked about it. Its been a couple years since I've seen them last, which was also when they last had a U.S. tour. Last time around it was called The Light Grenades Tour and this time its called the Monuments and Melodies Tour. They will be in Kansas City on July 19th and in St. Louis on the 23rd. I'm bound to make it to the KC show one way or another. With friends in tow I'm sure. Two years ago when I saw them at the very same venue they're playing this year in KC, I went with 13 of my friends. It was a blast! I'm hoping to have a huge group of us again, that would be great! Either way, I'm going to figure out how to attend the show! Its a goal of mine right now, definitely...well that and finishing this semester of college on a positive note.

I'm just shooting for this time to not get trampled by some huge fat guy so I can see the WHOLE show. I had to be taken out of the crowd by security in 2007 because I couldn't breathe since some massive man was basically beating me down. Although I did end up backstage haha. I can't complain too much. But I do want to completely enjoy the show....so I'm hoping I can coming this July!

Did I mention they have a Greatest Hits album coming out on June 16th? Well they are, better grab that up when it comes out. You know I will be there first day to snatch it up!

Like I said...

Hate to say I told ya so.

I've gotta give her props for having enough stamina to put up with him that long. I, on the other hand wouldn't have done so. First sign of a "red flag", he would've been gone, but she kept giving him the benefit of the doubt every time. And time and time again she would ask my opinion on her situation and as a good friend I would tell her I didn't think she should keep going with it. If you complain more than sing praises its not worth it. And I don't believe it was healthy for either of them quite honestly. They rushed into their whole relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend in less than a week of actually knowing who each other are. Then they wanted to move in together. Crazy! I can't do that...at all. (And they didn't move in together...just fyi) They did actually last longer than I thought they would, but I knew he wasn't the guy for her. They would never have "forever". Not saying he's a bad guy cause he's not, he was sweet to her and he treated her pretty well, but they weren't a good fit in my opinion. I love my best friend and I want her to be completely happy with someone. So just to clarify things, I am in no way bad-mouthing either of them, I'm just glad it ended well on both parts so it wasn't a nasty break up. Now I'm just wondering how long she'll actually stay single. She told me she plans on it for awhile, but trust me, this girl never stays single, she jumps into relationships. Always wanting to have someone there. Which is fine - its her and not me. I like to think of myself as independent =)

Why Try

I'm still trying to figure out why I try to befriend someone. They make it out that I'm this terrible person, or so it seems to me, but I'm not that awful and its very upsetting. I try to make good with him, but I still get crap for everything! I try to be nice and check up on him cause he got in a bike wreck lastweek, but even when I ask how he was doing I basically got told that I didn't care. Ok...so you're saying you don't want me to ask about you? See how you've been? How you feel? Cause I mean if thats what you want, you can certainly have that. I'm just trying to be "friends" with you since thats what you said I needed to do. But you're making it rather difficult for me to even try when you keep cutting me down. Maybe I SHOULD stop talking to you. You bring me nothing but misery and frustration. I still to this day don't understand how I used you and took you for granted. I never asked for anything. I never said I wanted anything. I never said you had to do anything. You did it all on your own free will, in your own leisure. I should not be the one to blame for your actions. I did appreciate the things you did, but I shouldn't get bitched out by you whenever I do/say something that displeases you. Its not my fault I didn't like you beyond friendship. You can't control how you feel. Plus buying me things didn't get you any closer to me. I'm not materialistic. I am just who I am. Take me or leave me. Your choice, but I can't do this anymore. You drag me down and I'm worth so much more.

I'm going to smile because I deserve to.

Lost Feelings

Have you ever had such emotional feelings for someone and that person didn't want you anymore so you crushed the feelings you once had for that person? Only to find out that person wants you back in their life and you absolutely don't feel the same anymore? Well I'm dealing with that exact situation right now. I can easily have this guy back in my life if I wanted, but I discovered lastnight while hanging out with him and his friends that I just don't think I could ever feel the same for him like I used to. That may sound awful, but when you've moved on what can you do right? I was testing to see if I still had any of those feelings there for him, but honestly, they are non-existant now. I can't seem to find them anymore. He's a really great guy though and he's hardworking and successful. He will do great things with himself, but I just don't think him and I can work things out to be together. Atleast definately not right now. I'm up here going to school and he's in Joplin working all the time. Maybe when I get through some school and get myself sorted I can see where things stand, but I honestly don't have high hopes for him and I. Which makes me pretty sad in some aspects, but I can't exactly control how my heart feels. When its made up its mind there's not going back. If I move on, I'm done. I rarely go back to someone who didn't want me the first time. I will always have that lingering thought of..."Am I good enough?" Cause if I wasn't the first time, why will it be different the second time around?? Hm...who knows what my future holds, I just wish someone would tell me. I'm growing restless...

Drivers

There are ridiculous and crazy drivers out there! Not that its any surprise. I thought my hometown was bad, but when I moved up here about a year and a half ago I realized Springfield is much worse. Granted, I'm a pretty engaging driver myself. My friends make fun of me cause I just whip around and gun it when I can. I'm just fortunate to not have any mishaps so far. I have fell asleep at the wheel though. Thats a long story, sort of. Basically, to sum it up, it was Thanksgiving Day, got up at 9am, drove to Springfield, had dinner, drove home. Then it was Black Friday so I stayed up, went in to work at 5am till 4pm annnnd apparently drove home. I don't remember the drive, at all. But I made it to Neosho then fell asleep while still trying to finish driving home. I do think though, that old people are the worst drivers around. I'm not trying to stereotype and be hateful. I'm just speaking truth. It seems most of the time when I get frustrated at a driver its usually a senior citizen because apparently they think they have the right of way no matter what orrr they cut me off. Nothing is worse than cutting someone off I'm pretty sure. We've all been there. And just because I drive a New Beetle doesn't mean I'm THAT slow. Cut me some slack. Speaking of cars, I'm hoping to get a new car soon. Within this year anyway. I'd really like to get it within the next 6 months, but we shall see what happens I guess. I miss having a little get up and go. So I'm planning on (atleast) an 06 or 07 Mustang...possibly GT. That would make me beyond happy. I have an obsession with going fast, no matter what. I think I get it from my dad. And yes, I know it could get me in a lot of trouble, but its just so fun. I can't help it. =)

Scams

After about 2 hours of phonecalls and no progress, I broke down into tears of frustration and anger today. I got scammed. If you've ever been scammed in your life you likely know how I feel. So now I've got to drive down to my parents tomorrow and deal with this situation with the bank. Sweet. Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday. If you've ever heard of "Bar Careers" just ignore it. I, being the typical stupid human being, fell into this cortex of belief. Let me start this out for you:

A couple weeks ago, I called this 800 number in hopes of getting something good. I talked to a friendly lady named Debbi Knight. And she made this sound good right? Well, even though I said I didn't want to do it, she wasn't having any of that. She MADE me go through with it. Said I could cancel if I wanted to later or I could change the date to a further time, whenever it was convenient for me. I said, well fine, whatever. Gave her my debit card number, yes I'm that stupid, and made everything final. After all that, I had information handy for me to access if I wanted to call up Customer Service and cancel the program. Well, I've been trying to call for 2 days and I got nothing - no one answered! Go figure. I even called the people to sign up to see what the deal was and the guy hung up on me! So then I called my bank to have them "hot card" my debit card. So it no longer works for now. I'm getting a new one soon though. But either way, they've put a "hold" on the amount I'm being charged so either way its supposed to go through. Just my luck. However, now I've got to go down to Neosho tomorrow morning to "dispute" the situation and get my money back...or keep it...whatever. Fun fun.

So my advice is, don't let someone scam you. If they start forcing whatever it is upon you, just hang up/leave...wherever the situation arises! I learned my lesson, thats for sure.

Dying Flame

I haven't understood just exactly why my "previous budding interests" come back. They didn't want me before, why would they want me again? Ya know? Its confusing to say the least. Around twice a month, I get atleast 2 different guys (likely one is a repeat from the month before) and they tell me they want me back. You'd think he would get the hint that I'm not going back. Apparently I'm wrong. And all in all this gets so messed up. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. You can't expect to use me, toss me, and then just waltz right back into my life like nothing happened. Sad part is, if I were to take them back I'd either fall right back into the way things were and be this push-over like always, or I'd become someone they wouldn't like. Which could make for a sticky situation. You'll come to find out I complain A LOT about my non-existant love life. Everyone says its my fault I'm alone, "You can have anyone you want!" they say. Ok, right, since the ones I always seem to want aren't into the idea of making an effort to try for ANYTHING. I'm not pushy or anything, I'm go with the flow. I don't want to see someone everyday. I'd break it off myself out of annoyance of seeing someone so much. I just want communication. I think that's pretty key in all forms of a relationship, aside from trust and honesty, etc. Just let me know you're interested in me or I'll leave you alone. Its quite simple. Yet, I still get that lingering feeling from most guys I get involved with. They don't exactly want me, but yet they don't want anyone else to have me either. I can't win. =(

Old Friends

I was thinking about all my old friends from way back when today. Ok, not WAY back when, but from high school...which was about 3 years ago now. Wow...weird to think about. I've been out of school that long? Crazy! Atleast I've been doing some good with my time since then though. Doesn't make me feel as bad, ha. Anyway, I was just thinking to myself that I changed my "group of friends" a lot. I either added more to my circle or I got rid of some and gained others. Now, I'm not meaning it bitchy. Its just growing apart from someone and getting close to others. Its all part of life. You find out who you are and you find out who people are then realize you have nothing in common to even be friends. Honestly, I've always been different from my friends, all of them. I've never felt like the typical girl. I have 2 older brothers, which is very apparent if you know my personality. It'd be so strange to have a sister and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I seem like an only child, which is almost true to an aspect as well. (My brothers are very much older than I am) And most of the time, people think I'm an only child...whatever right? So as I sat around after class, figuring out what I was going to do with my time on this beautiful day, (I came to the conclusion that its going to be wasted on homework.), I was reminiscing on old times...the good, the bad, the best ever, and the just plain awful. I've made numerous friends over the years and I truly value every friendship I've made and will continue to make with everyone I meet. All my experiences have shaped who I am today and I wouldn't change it for the world. I like who I have become. I may not always be the best person, but I certainly try my best to make the most of whatever situation may arise. I've learned many lessons about family, friends, and the ever famous...love, as I've grown up. And I've taken them all with a grain of salt. Things are never going to be easy, I've accepted that, but I just wish there weren't so many bumps along the way...

Annoyed

I had an annoyance occur today, twice actually. Not that its uncommon, but its something that just bothers me to no end. Some may not care to hear what I have to say, but I am a woman and I have morals, respect, and dignity. I seem to come across to most guys as some, for lack of a better word...object. Its almost as if they don't care that I have feelings or a personality. Now I'm not saying every guy is like that, but I will say its around 60%, if not more. I'm not trying to be mean and nit-pick. I just get so frustrated that I'm viewed that way. I'd say I'm a moderately intelligent woman in today's society. When someone gets to know me they find out who I am and generally like me. I rarely cross paths with someone who won't get along with me.

Another thing, I haven't understood why trying to have a boyfriend, or even dating someone is a game. If someone could explain that to me, I'd appreciate it. My friend and I discuss this all the time. We don't know why you can't just like someone, have them like you back and just be together. If only it were that simple right? Psh. Instead we've gotta play this stupid little mind game where we act like we don't like you so that you'll be interested and vice versa! Its very unnerving! Probably a reason I've been single for over the past 2 years. I get frustrated and give up. Yes, I've dated quite a bit, but it never goes anywhere beyond that. And what gets me is that they say I'm a great girl and all. "Such a sweetheart and fun to be around", but yet totally don't want me, haha, wow. Blows my mind. Although after all is said and done they decide they actually want to have some sort of relationship with me, but I'm so over the situation that I don't care anymore.

And to think, I actually thought I had it all figured out...or atleast pretty well figured out, guess I was wrong... =(

Private Valentine

So...this is my first post on blogger. I do have another blog account with livejournal as well.

Anyway, I hate feeling sick. (Who doesn't right??) I've felt awful for the past couple days. And if anyone can diagnose me, that would be awesome! Lets see, I had indigestion yesterday morning that eventually turned into a major upset stomach. Which has rolled over to today and tonight. I've taken medicine of all sorts, but nothing is working. Ugh.

However, this evening my friend and I had seen previews for a movie called Private Valentine. Sooo...we got the urge to rent it. In case you haven't heard of it, it stars Jessica Simpson. Just for the record, I'm definately not a fan of her. Brianna and I decided we wanted to watch it out of sheer laughter. We were kind of curious to see how it was. The movie wasn't a huge let down. I'm quite surprised. I thought it was going to be completely terrible. I still don't think Jessica is a fantastic actress or anything, but it was mildly entertaining.

The extent of the movie is exactly how the title sounds. She joins the army. Before all that she apparently has some amazing movie career and then all her money gets stolen by her uncle. So she loses everything, even her boyfriend. Winds up on the front steps of an Army recuiter and from there she goes to South Carolina and attends boot camp. Its nothing but misery at first, but realize its something completely worth it and finishes. Of course she ends up the victor in the end and everyone just loves her...go figure.

Overall I'd prob give the movie a...6? Around there. I don't think I'd ever watch it again by any means. Nor do I suggest it. Its just one of those, if you're curious, like we were, things. Check it out if you feel compelled.