Journal Reflection

This semester I faced a few challenges while writing my blogs/journal entries. There would definitely be nights where I didn't know what to write about so I just came up with something random and talked about it for a bit. Then there were the nights where I was afraid I was writing something too personal, but I realized I can't entirely be judged based on what I talk about. I'm a very unique individual and I've accepted myself for who I am. I do the strangest things at times and no one, not even I, understand why. Over time I've become more comfortable with myself and who I'm coming to be. I had some rough edges growing up, but they're finally round out to be quite nice. I used to be the sad, depressed girl who just moped all the time. Not anymore though. I've realized how much I've missed in my life from being afraid. Afraid to love someone, afraid to give and care, afraid to even congratulate myself on a victory. All the wonderful things that could happen and the happiness that can be shared from one to another. I'm pretty open minded about most things, but I do still have my moments where I'm very difficult and refuse. I have the best family and friends I could ever have and I'm thankful for them everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of someone and how lucky I feel to know them and have them in my life. I've taken lots of things for granted as I've mentioned before, but I'm going to keep on this path I'm walking on and keep my head held high and thank God for everything he's given me since day one. This journal keeping has actually been good therapy for me and its been nice to just let things go every night. =)

Last Entry for the Semester

Well it seems this will be my last entry for my college class. This doesn't mean I won't be using this account anymore though. I just won't be writing in it everyday like I have been. I may from time to time choose to write something that's either on my mind or I have an opinion about. Who knows what will happen, but I do know I liked this exercise for my course and it was something I was actually excited to do. So what do I have to say for my last entry? Well, lets see. I've learned a lot over the past several weeks, had good experiences and some bad. Thats not too far out of the norm though. Met and gained great acquaintances and friends. Given the fact that I pretty much knew no one when I decided to come to OTC. I'm almost satisfied with how things are. Providing I pass these 2 classes I'm uber scared about. And the sad part is that I HAVE to pass them. It's not a eh, whatever...let it roll of my back. I certainly need to pass these classes so I can continue on. If something tries to hold me back I'm bound to stress out tremendously. And its not entirely just school, its anything. Friends, family, myself. There isn't a particular thing that I won't stress over. School just happens to be the main one right now at this time. Aside from money, which I have a huge lack of. I can't get a job that will work around my schedule it seems so I'm bumming off my parents and grandfather. Which I absolutely hate. I don't like asking for money. Hell, I don't like asking for anything to be honest. I just want someone to hire me part time so I can afford stuff for myself...seriously...its getting ridiculous.

No One Listens

I have yet to discover why my friends get into the situations they seem to stumble upon. It baffles me. When they know they shouldn't be involved or shouldn't be caught up in any mess they do it anyway. I love my friends, but I try to tell them that what is going on isn't probably the right thing, but they don't seem to listen and end up finding out in the end that I was right. Its those "hate to say I told you so" moments that happen often. I try to voice my opinion so they know what I think, which is usually almost right in most cases. Not always, but I have a tendency to know what people are thinking and what their plans or intentions are. I'm not saying I haven't had my share of dumb decisions where I got caught up in a guy or whoever. We all have, I know, but I've just realized sooner than most how things work and what will most likely happen or potentially happen. I may still get tangled up in someone later down the line who isn't good for me, but I will respect the words of my friends and take their words into consideration when I may think something isn't right. Although right now I'm hoping to bypass any more guys and the shenanigans that comes with it. I'm so done with all the head games and the stupidity that comes with getting to know someone. I just want to like someone and they like me back...no more foolishness. Get to the point and make something happen. Thats what I want. I'm not being difficult, I promise. Hell, I don't even ask for much. I'm simple, yet complex. Only time I'm complex is when it comes to decision making for shoes or math. I make it seem like its rocket science when its truly not. Makes no sense.

Politics

I've never been one to fully understand politics nor even care for them to be honest. And I know so many others that feel the same, but today I had to type up a 3-page paper for my government class. So I basically had to research information on various topics of somewhat interest to me. Of course I wasn't going to find anything that was THAT exciting to me, but I found enough to intrigue me and actually give me something to talk about for a paper. Which is surprising. I've seriously never been one to engage in political conversations. I was the person who walked away when it got brought up. I never knew what was going on in Washington and I didn't really care, so I just did something else when friends would be discussing some issue. Now, though I see how important it is for me to be informed of the issues and ideas that are being brought up in the White House. Myself and the people of the United States have the right to voice our opinions when we feel its necessary. We've been given that right and most of us don't use it except in negative ways that don't benefit anyone. I always said, I have freedom of speech so I can say what I want. Which is true, but sometimes you need to use those rights for the good of the people and not just because "you can". I'm realizing more and more everyday that I'm getting older and that I've got to make some changes in things I do and say. I'm not a bad person and I'm quite mature for my age. I always have been. I just know now that things are becoming different with our society and as we evolve. Things change everyday and you must change too.

Jessica Phillips

I just found out today, literally about an hour ago, that a girl I somewhat know, died yesterday. I didn't believe it. A guy in one of my classes today mentioned something about a girl from the Neosho area dying lastnight and I didn't know what he was talking about. So I came home today and I did a little research and I couldn't find anything that said something about a girl. Then I was about to give up searching when I finally stumbled upon an article that mentioned a girl in a wreck. Low and behold, the name was Jessica Phillips, 19. That's her. But then I second guessed myself and thought, no...that could be a different Jessica. It sounds like a common name. I remembered we were friends on Myspace so I decided then to check her page to see when she signed in last and her comments - to see if anything seemed weird. I checked the date, she signed in on the 20th. Seems about right since today is the 22nd. She was always on, so I know she's on everyday. She can't go 2 days and not sign in, thats not right. So I scrolled down and then that was when I knew, there were people saying they couldn't believe what had happened, and it didn't seem right, she couldn't be gone. Everything you could likely imagine. I sat in shock for a brief moment taking it all in. I didn't know what to think. I'd just seen the girl a few months ago in Joplin. She knew me and vice versa. How does something like this happen...I don't understand. She was only 19, her life wasn't supposed to be over yet, it was only just beginning. I guess God had different plans for her. I know she's in a better place now. May God rest her soul.

RIP Jessica Phillips

Shine on in Heaven girl!

Life and Baseball?

If its one thing I know...its that life throws you curves. And I've truly experienced that. Over the years I've had several, upon several, swing and miss moments. I may even have had a couple home runs, or so I thought they would be. Just when I think I might make it back to home plate, safe...I'm out. So then I walk back to the dug out with my head hung low and I'm covered in dirt. That's how my life pretty much ends up - frequently. When I think things are going great and wonderful, here comes something out of left field and totally screws it all up. It leaves me feeling useless. So then I have to ponder on what went wrong and why. Its a good way to mess up a girls day, I'm telling ya. Its a crazy way to compare my life to baseball, but its so fitting. Most comparisons can work out that way for some reason. For example, I've told guys that having me is like a game of baseball. They can have 3 strikes and then they're out. (Of course depending on what the "strike out" is) they might just get kicked out of the game. Cause a ruckus and "you're 'outta here!" I don't ask for much, in fact I don't ask for anything. I'm not demanding nor do I tell anyone what to do. I'm pretty sure I'd be the best girl ever, but I have yet to find a guy who realizes this and appreciates that. Granted, I'm not going to be walked all over because I know better than that - I've learned over time. I have a backbone and I'm not scared to enforce it. By the way I make it all sound, I'm thinking I should call myself an Umpire...hmm...just maybe.

Curls

I found a way to curl my hair like I want it, finally! And its the most simple way. Who would've thought. And with my amount of hair thats amazing. It doesn't take me long at all, yes! The effect I wanted was some messy, beachy looking curls. And I'm so ecstatic that I've discovered the technique. Brianna made fun of me earlier cause I went with her to the craft store and she asked if it was "done". I said, well, yea...and she just looked at me weird then started picking up pieces analyzing them, trying to figure out what in the hell I did. Perhaps it doesn't look the greatest for my first attempt, but atleast I've finally figured it out and the more I do it, the better I will get! Anyway, when Brianna called me asking to go to the craft store with her I knew what she was going for...flowers, tulle, ribbon, hair clips, etc etc. She's been wanting to make hair pieces to wear to work. Which is a very cute idea, for sure. Using roses, sunflowers, mums, whatever you could probably imagine in an array of colors just to put on her head. I think I just want to glue a little bow on a bobby pin and call it a day. I'm not much into the idea of dressing your head all up with random items. Unless my hair is up of course. I can have a hay day with that. I think I will just make an abundance of bobby pins with bows on them and wear them from time to time with outfits. That sounds like a spectacular plan. I shall go with that idea! On that note, if anyone would like to know how to make the beachy, messy curls, let me know, I'd be more than happy to describe it for you so you can do it too! =)

My Friend's Friends

Lastnight I was out with my friend Brianna, as usual, and she mentioned that she wanted to go to some get together where some friends from her high school days were. I agreed to go, although if I try to get her to go with me somewhere she absolutely refuses. Lame. Anyway, her, Alyssa and I meet up with her friends at their apartment. I'm just glad I'm a social butterfly otherwise every moment of my life would be so awkward. We end up going to a bowling alley and hang out there. I didn't bowl, nor did Alyssa. As we're all hanging out and whatnot. I get the vibe that Briannas friend has some attraction for me. I mean, you can usually tell if someone seems to be intrigued by you. As the night goes on, he comes across more and more into me. Don't get me wrong, he's a decent looking guy and he seems nice. I'm only interested in one guy right now. I don't care about getting to know anyone else. I'm not dating the other guy or anything, but I really want it to come to that and more in the end. Its what I'm hoping for anyway. Finally, 4am rolls around, and we need to get to bed. Its been a long night and Alyssa had been up over 24 hours by the point. We head out the door and I'm walking down the stairs and Chris yells my name and wants me to come back up really quick. I don't know why, but Alyssa was having none of that. She's like my mother sometimes. So she told him no, we're leaving, going home and going to bed haha. My night was actually quite random, but I did have fun though.

Missing Them

I know I've mentioned before that I don't care about my friends I had in high school. Whats done is done and its over with. Well, I've had a change of heart and I've honestly decided that I do in fact miss my friends and peers from high school. Not entirely everyone, but several. I was sitting here thinking about Chelsey, she was my bestfriend from Kindergarten til Senior year. After we graduated we basically stopped hanging out and talking altogether. We went from spending countless hours together hanging out, being typical girls to everything coming to a complete hault. It was almost depressing for awhile and I tried to contact her and stay in reach with her, but I realized our lives were going different directions. Her parents had these heightened expectations of her and mine just wanted me to do what made me happy. Turns out she sort of let them down by transfering from Mizzou to Missouri Southern, but she wanted to be closer to her boyfriend. Whatever though. I figured if she was happier here with him then so be it. But that still didn't change anything. She was back, but I still never saw her. She was always with Casey, her boyfriend. And he pretty much keeps her at bay. Or atleast thats what I got from it. A few months back I saw her and him at Walmart in my hometown of Neosho. It was almost shocking. We hadn't seen eachother in years! During our nearly 30 minute conversation, she mentioned that her and Casey were moving to Fayetteville. I don't know what it is about Fayetteville, but it seems everyone I know is moving there or something. I don't know whats going on. Whats so special about Arkansas anyway? I mean really...

Stress

I'm about to stress out, overly. There is so much going on right now with my classes that I'm about to freak. I know I have one month left, but seriously...why all the work! Come on now, we're only human. I'm not complaining about all my classes, just a couple. But those couple of classes are killing me and I'm trying to balance it all out. Perhaps I should pick up Tai Chi or some other form of relaxation. Perhaps Yoga. Who knows. Either way, I need to do something before I end up having several gray hairs on my head. Hell, I'm surprised I don't have any now. I get stressed easily over little things and its usually over nothing that matters or something that will work itself out in the end, which is the really dumb part. Like planning my classes for fall semester, yea, I'm stressing over that and its nothing to be worried about. I always get it in my head that I'm not going to achieve what I want and I'm going to fail drastically. Which is never the case. I freaked out over everything possible in cosmetology school. I thought I was going to brutally cut someones hair, I thought I wasn't going to graduate on time, and I thought I'd fail my state boards. I passed all that with flying colors. I lack the faith in myself a lot and thats bad. I know I'm good at things I do, I just need to believe in myself and trust that everything will work out in the end. As they say, "Everythings ok in the end, if its not, then its not the end", or something like that. I had never truly embraced what that actually meant until recently and I totally agree, finally.

You Try to Tell Her

I tried to be a good friend and give my honest opinion about her situation and I think I may have slightly offended her. Its like I said though, you ask and you shall receive. I just can seem to muster why she would rid herself of a decent guy who she said was so sweet to her and everything for some d-bag she apparently hates and can't stand to talk to. I realize we women are programmed weird to liking the jerks, but seriously, if you know you hate the guy why worry about trying to have something with him? There's a difference between a guy who was nice to you in the beginning to a guy who was just rude from the get-go. Poor girl doesn't stand a chance. I don't know what his intentions are, but he turns 21 tomorrow and he wants her to go out with him for his birthday. In my mind, he just didn't want to be alone for his birthday and he also of course got a haircut from her as well. I think he's just keeping her around for things he can benefit from. And I don't want her to get hurt. She says she kind of likes him, even though he's the most rude and egotistical guy she's ever met. That makes no sense to me. I can't stand a guy who is full of himself and treats others like crap. I will stand up for myself and say what I think. And if the guy doesn't like it then so be it. He's not worth my time and I move on. I've had my fair share of self absorbed losers and they of course have bit the dust. I can't stand to be around someone who cares about his looks more than I do. And trust me, I'm pretty insecure sometimes so I freak out about how I look a lot. Maybe I'm just reading into her situation a little too much. I don't know, I'm not there to see whats going on so I can't make too many calls on it.

Not Interested

I can honestly say I'm not interested in any other guys right now. I only have one certain guy I've put my focus on right now and I really want it to happen and work out for good this time. Of course my luck doesn't always pan out like I'd want it to so I won't "count my chickens before they're hatched" as they say. He's not the type I usually go for which blows my mind beyond words, but I've always had this unspoken attraction to him. And trust me, you don't want to know how long its been, its almost pathetic. I've dated other guys and whatnot, but there is something that just always feels so right when I'm with him. I can be myself - as goofy, weird and completely ridiculous as I want around him and I don't care. He accepts me no matter how I am. He laughs at things I say because sometimes they don't come out right and I love to hear him laugh. It makes me so happy to know that when he does laugh its genuine and not fake. And whats really funny is that I've always had this problem of proving myself to a guy that I'm the best thing out there. I do, in most cases, end up snagging the guy, but thats not how its supposed to be. The guy should like me for who I am, not who I try to be. I've had boyfriends in the past who just like showing me off to the world, as I've said before, but its not like that with him. We're just like two kids having a great time making jokes and being silly. Thats the way it should be. I've never felt such happiness than when I'm with him. I hope this feeling never fades.

Overbearing

These feelings have overcome me with such joy. I don't know if I can control what I have inside. My mind has me wishing on things that may never be, but I keep holding on to hope of what should be. No matter what I do, everything I feel always comes back to you. For years I'd ignored what I thought was a phase that would soon die over time, but the phase has only come back into my heart to be real. What I feel within me is real. You may not truly show what you have for me right now, but I can only be optimistic about my dreams for that one day you will admit everything is mutual and that you can't deny it anymore. I know deep down there is something that keeps us coming back again, but I'm not sure why that is. I want to believe its some sort of sign and that its only meant to be, but I can't know for sure until I see that light in your eyes that tells me the truth. Its right then that you can no longer deny that what I've been saying all this time is crazy. I have a fairytale like imagination when it comes to us and how I believe it will all end. I've been down the road of sadness far too many times thinking I've stumbled upon something great only to be let down yet again. With you though, its never been that way. You bring out a certain shine in me that I can never seem to find with anyone else. You've never judged me nor put me down for who I am and who I've come to be. I honestly believe what we have is rare and beautiful and I want to treasure it forever and always with you. I only hope that this overbearing feeling I get when I'm with you isn't an illusion thats all in my mind and that one day you will see what I see.

A Passion of Mine

Over time I've discovered that I'm very passionate about a few things. My family is one of them. They mean the world to me and if I could, I would do everything in my power to make it all right and give them everything they need and/or want. Of course life doesn't pan out that way and we aren't that lucky. I feel so lucky to have parents that are always there to lend a hand and offer help whenever needed. My brothers are also a good example of this as well. Even if we don't see eye to eye most of the time, there is still a unspoken acknowledgement. Sometimes their devotion and strength goes unnoticed and under appreciated, but I try to let my family know that I do love them and I'm very thankful for everything thats been done for me, along with whatever else that will be done for me in the future. I know it will never stop and thats a great feeling. Just to know someone will always be there for me no matter what.

I'm also very passionate about music. It plays a big part in my life. Although I've given up on trying to play an instrument, I can relate to all kinds of music no matter what my mood is. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, everyone does. Its a universal feeling we all get when we hear a certain song and it completely fits your current mood or situation. We've all been there. Some of us have the ability to express ourselves with writing a song along with playing music to go with it. I'm not that fortunate; however, I'm not so musically inclined like several individuals I know, but I did try at one time. I will just stick to listening to music instead of completely butchering a musical piece that was once beautiful.

Easter

Happy Easter everyone. Hope it was good. Likely better than mine. I cried at dinner, but its cool. No biggie, things happen. Not saying I had the worst Easter ever, because I'm sure there is someone out there who had the worst Easter of their lives. I just didn't have a good one because my family likes to cut me down sometimes and makes me feel terrible. I'm very sensitive and I take a lot of things to heart. I've always been that way. I do expect an apology when someone hurts my feelings too. So just because you didn't mean to offend or upset me, doesn't mean you get off the hook for making me cry and whatnot. You are sort of obligated to say sorry to someone if you've upset them. Sorry, I don't make the rules haha. Anyway, as we're seated at dinner, I'm getting cut down to size and feeling like a huge sack of crap, its awesome...my mom finally notices that I'm crying and apologizes. After that I no longer had an appetite to eat anything. Once our food arrived we ate and whatnot. I was the last one to finish my food, which is the weirdest thing ever. Even my family commented on it. I'm almost always the 2nd one done, behind my brother. Just a little bit ago we got some cake and I tried to eat a small piece, but its kinda rich, I ate about half of the piece...so much for that. I never eat that many sweets anyway, so it just wasn't in the cards for me I guess ha. And of course my mom bought me some Easter candy, she never goes without buying that every year and I love it. So that is pretty much my Easter in a nutshell, not very exciting I know.

High School Friends and Acquaintances

Lastnight, as I mentioned, I decided to accompany from former good friends of mine in Neosho to a small show of a couple guys I know from high school. They were playing some music at a small place in Joplin and it was pretty good, I've gotta admit. I'd definitely listen to them again. Not only because I know them, but because I truly did thoroughly enjoy the tunes. Need I mention I haven't seen any of these people in years, well except Danny. I saw him a few weeks ago. Either way, its weird trying to get back to where things were. Although, Casey and I just sorta picked up where we left off, kinda crazy. Its kind of like nothing happened. Later around 11 something we decided to go back down to a little bar in downtown Neosho. I'd never been and I always wanted to check it out, so here was my chance, finally. Once I entered, the next thing I know, I look and I see all these people from my high school...whom, I graduated with. Now, I don't visit anyone in Neosho. I've been basically m.i.a. for almost 3 years. Sooo, what I kept hearing was, "KAYLA WELCH! Where have you been?!", "I haven't seen you in years!", "You look exactly the same!", etc. And these people were drunk, go figure. So the questions would repeat of course. I will admit though, it was actually pretty cool seeing them. They've changed a lot, I've changed a lot. I don't drink very often and they all seem to drink a hefty amount these days. It used to be the other way around. Now, I'm not hating on them or anything. We're legal now so its not as risky...unless you go driving of course, but I was the one who drank more often in high school. I got it out of my system then and now I rarely drink. I hate getting drunk and whatnot. Only been drunk 2 maybe 3 times so I can tell you its definitely not my style.

Free Drinks

The name "Free Drinks" is enticing isn't it? Well, don't let the title fool you, its definitely not the name of a special they have going on at the bar tonight, its the name of a guy duo I know from high school. They're 25 now and they've been playing acoustic shows together around the Joplin area as of late apparently. They are pretty good. When I first heard of them through Danny, I got deceived and I thought, what! Free drinks?! Count me in, but to no avail he meant the group. So I felt dumb after that. Either way, I did have a couple drinks and I didn't have to pay for them either, Danny did. So in a sense I did get, "free drinks", but not so free, for him. Anyway, they played quite a few songs tonight and it was entertaining, I will give them that. Brent even remembered me. I didn't know if he would or not. I kept getting that, "I know you" stare until finally he said, "I know you". And I told him yes. Then he stared a bit longer and finally said, "Kayla?" Yep, indeed you are correct. Apparently he doesn't remember names well, he can remember faces, but not names. I don't know how I lucked out being I've only hung out with him a couple times ever in my life. I guess I just have that much of an impact. Only kidding. I have an unforgettable face I'm coming to realize. And it kind of freaks me out sometimes. Places I go to I always get remembered. I never thought I was that different? I guess I am. I'm not really sure, but either way its sort of cool I suppose. Perhaps I will see one of their shows again...and actually buy a shirt this time!

Our Beloved Rocky

I was talking with my mother earlier this afternoon. I called her to see what was going on for Easter. I didn't know if my family was coming up here or if I was to drive down to Neosho. Turns out I'm prob driving down to Neosho for Easter. All while in the midst of our conversation my mom tells me she has some bad news. And I proceeded to ask her what it was, figured it had to do with my brother quite honestly, but she said Rocky had died. I didn't believe her! Apparently it happened Monday. And I talked to her Monday and she didn't tell me! I was at Briannas though and I guess she didn't want to bring me down while I was at her place. I was in utter shock and I didn't know what to believe. Our Rocky died! He was a sweet, beautiful Green Winged Macaw. Weird thing is that he wasn't that old. Maybe around 9 years old. And Macaws are supposed to live for years and years! Its so strange, but I guess he wasn't feeling well and he dehydrated himself along with starvation. My parents didn't notice anything strange until my dad mentioned something to my mom about him acting weird when he was trying to feed him Monday night. I'm heart broken to hear this. He was such a good bird. He talked all the time. He even said my name - Kayla. I don't even know what to think. Its so sad, I felt so awful for my parents. They loved that bird. I guess my mom held and kept petting Rocky that evening and he just died in her arms. I can only imagine being there and seeing him suffer like that. But there wasn't anything they could do. They thought about taking him to the vet, but by the time they would've gotten there it would be too late. I just know he's in a better place now.

R.I.P. Rockford, I love you buddy!

Art and Beyond

I wish I was artistic. In a sense I am, I can do art with hair. What I'm talking about is being a true artist with a canvas, paint, and brushes. Hell, even clay or other random objects! I don't have the ability to make such beautiful work. I can draw a bit, some of it comes out decent, but when I try too hard I let myself down, so I try not to have huge expectations of myself. Well, actually I try not to have big expectations in anything I do - which is completely terrible I know, but I'm a major perfectionist and everything has to be done just right and look just right or I won't be satisfied. That's likely the reason I seldom get my hair done. I always get let down and I don't want to offend the person who did it for me, which these days it will be one of my friends, so I say it looks fine, which may not always be the case. I found one person who could do my hair just right and always the way I want it and he's a guy, who never does hair. He only did it as a side project thing. Him and his wife did other jobs to make money. They raised puppies, he built houses, fences, and whatever else, he mowed yards and whatnot. He did all these other things where he could make more money, but still had enough time for me to do my hair on some random day. I'd say he's a jack of all trades. I miss him and his quirky personality, but I will catch up with him again someday. I don't know when that will be, but I'm sure I still have his number somewhere, if not in my phone.

Variation in Music

I have a new appreciation in most music lately. I'm not so strictly rock, metal, and heavy stuff anymore. I've broadened my horizons, if you will. Lately I have gotten into Rihanna, Beyonce, and Katy Perry. So strange for me, I haven't been one to listen to chick music in years! However, I've always been into acoustic and really mellow musical tastes, but as of late I've truly embraced it. I think it has something to do with a certain boy because he plays guitar. Hell he has 3 different ones! But he can sing and play guitar and thats so wonderful to me. I sat and listened to him play two nights in a row, even sat there while he recorded with his friend the first night. I actually enjoyed it to be honest. At first I was afraid I was going to get bored, but just listening to him and watching him made it worth while. Now, I'm not trying to sound creepy, but I'm honestly proud of him. He writes his own music and everything. He's become a really great guy and I'm so glad I know him. The second day I was with him he was editing his recordings and he asked for my help in choosing beats to go behind the guitar. I thought a piano would be a nice addition and he in fact choose the piano to add. I actually felt like he wanted my opinion on what I thought sounded good. It made me feel good and useful. With background instruments or without, he's an amazing artist and no matter what he does or says he will always be successful in my eyes. Could I possibly boast about him more? Geez. Its like I'm in love with the guy or something...hmm, maybe I am?? Wondering minds will be left to ponder...

Hair - I Remember Doing That!

Lastnight Brianna asked me to go her hair today and me, of course being the great friend I am, said I'd do it. I didn't exactly want to do it because I know the favor won't be returned. I asked and she said she'd do it for me, but yeah right. It took a month of asking for a hair cut, that I never got, for her to agree to finally cutting it. I asked my friend Morgan, once and she did it that next day. All I wanna do is actually have some dimension in my hair. I used to color my hair all the time back in the day so its weird having one solid color for so long. Anyway, I pretty much tried to put it off as long as I could today because for one, I had homework to do, and secondly, as I mentioned she won't return the favor. Either way she wouldn't shut up about it till I did it, which is more annoying than anything. I love the girl to death, but when it comes to doing things for me or anyone else it seems she doesn't care to and thats awful. I never ask for much, hell, I bring my own food to her apartment half the time because I don't wanna eat all her food. Anyway, so I did her hair tonight and it turned out pretty freakin good. I still got my skill! She wanted more blonde back in her hair and then redo the bottom portion around her occipital bone. I got distracted a bit so it took me awhile to do, but in the end it turned out well and I'm satisfied. She said she was content with it, but next time wants to do more blonde. I told her I did what she asked and she said no no, its fine, it looks good. Yada-yada. Man...there is just no satisfying some people I swear.

New People...Friends

Earlier this evening, Brianna was contacted by some guy, whom she'd be talking to occasionally online and she wanted me to go with her to meet up with him. I have no desire nor care to go, but since she's my friend I'm willing to go. Now, she never accompanies me or does anything for me in most cases, but I'm nice and I tell her I will go with her. I have no idea who this guy is except what his name is and that he plays arena football. Almost a dead ringer for me in conversation. Anyway, apparently he's at bww with a buddy of his. Isn't that super, blah. Well we go and and chit chat and whatnot. Sure, he and his friend seem nice, but I'm so tired and I know that I have lab at 8am tomorrow I'm not in the mood for excitement right now. I'd rather be sleeping my night away. I didn't mention this to Brianna, but I got the feeling that he really likes talking about himself or something. I'm not really sure. Perhaps it was just that I am hella tired and I don't care what much of anyone had to say. I was busy texting someone I'd rather have a conversation with anyway. He kept talking about injuries and what has happened to him from football or parties and what have you. He even went as far as to say he had 2nd degree burns on his hands and proceeded to show us his hands. There is no evidence of previous fire burns on his palms. I'm a huge skeptic, but what do I honestly know about burns I guess. Either way, the night is over for me and I'm glad. Off to bed I go!

Next Day

Last night ended up being pretty strange. Morgan and I met up and had sushi. We also asked a couple friends if they'd like to go to Artwalk with us. And to my surprise they didn't know what it was. Crazy. But they ended up being down for the idea, which was great. Told ya the more people the merrier or whatever! Her and I eventually made it downtown and parked...after driving around for a good 5-8 minutes. Then we got Indy out and she was excited. It was a whole new area for her to check out and discover. Of course lots and lots of attention from people petting her and whatnot. No worries, she got all the love she could possibly need lastnight. I forget what all you see at Artwalk...its crazy. Lastnight there was a man dressed up at CP30 or whatever. No joke. I tried to get a picture, but I failed miserably. He was being carried by a mob of people to a place called "The Front Porch". I don't really know why. Maybe its some Star Wars related thing? I don't know, never seen any of those movies. And then there was some kid with a huge paper mache head that made weird noises. I didn't quite understand. And of course you had the usual break dancing and fire dancing people. Our friends JC, Alyssa, and Ryne showed up to join us eventually. So we were a pretty good group just hanging out. Alyssa and Ryne ended up having a falling out that evening so things got really weird for a moment after that. We basically ditched Ryne and let him do his own thing. No biggie to Alyssa, she decided she didn't care about the guy at all, ha. Then there was a case of the texts and calls from Ryne trying to figure out where we were and why we left. The guy just didn't get it I don't think.

First Friday Artwalk

Yep, today is of course First Friday Artwalk. I'm trying to go every month now. Guess we'll see how that goes. Just a little bit ago I decided to color my hair cause trust me, it needs it. Only took me maybe an hour for my whole head and believe me, it got everywhere! I tend to be messy when it comes to my hair it seems. Plus the color is dark and rich so it will stain whatever it adheres to. When I go to rinse I had it all over me to I had to jump in the shower of course. I mean I was going to anyway, but now its even more so a reason. I know a couple friends of mine are going to Artwalk tonight. They are driving up here from Joplin and I haven't seen them in a few months so it will be a nice visit. I think I may ask Morgan if she wants to go because she told me her husband is out of town for some archery tournament or something. I may even ask a couple other people if they'd like to go. See what happens with that. I mean the more people you have the more fun right?? I think so. Even if we don't admire that much art we can still just walk around and get some needed exercise. Thats a way I view it anyway. I'm sure Morgan will have Indy, her dog, with her. That dog gets so much attention wherever she goes, its ridiculous. And its funny because everyone thinks she's a Husky, but she's a Shiba Inu. After you say that you get a weird stare because for some reason people have no idea what that is. If you know what an Akita is, then you definitely know what a Shiba is. Its the mini version, if you will. Love that dog though...and who doesn't...?

Problems...Nothing New

I got a phone call today from my mother informing me that I needed to drive down to Neosho to get the Suburban out of a towing place in Joplin. Since the vehicle is in my name I had no choice than to drive down there. Just my luck. Couldn't be on Friday, it just had to be Thursday. Anyway, I arrived to Neosho at 4:15 and we headed up to Joplin. We arrived to the towing place at 4:40-4:45 and it said "closed" on the door. My mom started getting fierce and angry. So she called the guy and told him that I had drove from Springfield today to get the suv out and that I have class tomorrow. God knows I don't wanna drive back up to Springfield for classes and then back down again. That's just ridiculous. So we basically had a 10 minute conversation about what were going to do about this situation. He decided that he was going to call his brother and have him come do it. The guy who owns the place was in Pittsburg, Kansas and he didn't think I was coming today. Hm...right right. After that was settled, we had to go by the atm and get cash since that was the only way we could get the Suburban back. No debit card or check, whatever. So we went and got that. Came back, waited and he finally arrived. My mom got out and walked over to him and I followed her shortly after. The guy stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at me for a few seconds. Kind of an awkward moment. Then as soon as we got inside he proceeded to hit on me. Asking me all sorts of questions, figuring me out pretty much. He's only 27 which isn't too bad I guess. I knew he couldn't be that old by looking at him. To wrap it all up - In the end, he joined my mom and I for dinner and he didn't want me to leave to go home that night. He wanted to hang out for what seemed like forever. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but I have other priorities in my life right now. =)

Cyrus

Brianna and I were just hanging out like usual when she got the idea that she wanted to wash her dog. I was up for it even though I didn't know how it was going to go down. I figured either we're going to be covered in water orrrr we wouldn't be able to get him in the tub for the life of us. We went to McDonalds first since Brianna just had to have cookies. Yea, we're girls, we gotta have our chocolate fix from time to time. Anyway, we get back finally decide to tackle the thought of giving Cyrus a bath. And in the end we pretty much were covered in water, just as I figured. As well as the bathroom floor and the rest of her apartment. And thing is, we weren't done yet. She got out on the deck and tried to dry him off with a towel. After she realized that was useless she brought him back and and he darted around the apartment like an animal on speed! Once we confined him to the bedroom we tried our best to capture him so we could blow dry him in the bathroom. That took about 10 minutes since I'm guessing he thought we were playing with him on the floor, when in fact we were only trying to catch him. We were crawling all over the floor, under the bed...on top of the bed...everywhere. It was almost comical. She finally got him and took him into the bathroom where we started to brush and dry him. He wasn't quite down with that at all. Once we dried him up a bit, Brianna started to shave some of the matted hair off him so that its easier to brush him and whatnot. Poor guy...he didn't know what was going on, but it was for the best. I think he realized we were trying to help him and not harm him. We gave up after about 2.5 hours of his shenanigans, so he still has some mats on his back end, but we at least got rid of some of them. Either way, Cyrus was a pretty good boy. He got a treat!

Hypocrites

I found out some interesting things today from a fairly reliable source. I was told some things in regards to people I went to high school with. I gotta say, I feel like a saint these days. In high school I felt so judged by my peers. It seemed as if I was this horrible, God-awful person, when in fact I was actually a pretty good kid. I didn't smoke or do any sort of drugs and I still don't do any to this day. I've never touched a cigarette or anything else and I've never shot up anything. So I'm clean and I'm proud of that. Drinking is a different story. I had my part phase when I was 15-16, I'll admit that, but after all that, I rarely drink. In fact I forget I'm 21 half the time. Anyway, this information I had found out shocked me. I didn't know if I should believe it at first, but these boys did get into all that business back in the day until they all randomly because this overly religious group that everyone hated. I never hated the guys, but sometimes I felt they were a bit overbearing for most people. And I also had this awkward feeling when I would be around them sometimes that I was lower than them. Like I wasn't good enough to be associated with them. And now, they do all the partying and all that. I hardly everrrrrr party. I'm sorta lame I guess, but I don't get caught up in all the hype of it. I have a select few people I will drink with and thats it. I don't go to these random house parties and drink, smoke...whatever. This is the life I have choosen and I know I'm a good person inside and out. I've made mistakes, yes, but haven't we all? We aren't perfect, we're only human. Its natural to make mistakes, its how we learn.

She's Back and We're Going to Dinner

Alyssa is back and a group of us girls are going to dinner tonight! I'm not sure where just yet. I've heard Applebee's and Cheddar's. I guess I'll find out later. I'm not sure what else we're doing, if anything, but either way there will be about 8 of us I think. Should be a good time. As I mentioned before Alyssa was in a car accident back in August. Brianna was also in the car as well. That was a crazy day. My car got broken into that very morning and then later that night my friends get in an accident and are rushed to the hospital. Talk about bad luck! I'm just glad they made it out ok and weren't too badly injured because the Blazer certainly took a beating, thats for sure. It was so smashed, I couldn't believe they made it out alive quite honestly. And whats crazy is the fact that I wasn't with them. Usually we're all 3 hanging out, but at that current time I wasn't. God knows what would've happened to me. I would've been in the backseat and I likely would've gotten hurt pretty bad. Most of the top of the Blazer got smashed in, so who knows. But to see my 2 very good friends ly on hospital beds with neck braces and whatnot attached to them was heartbreaking. I was overwhelmed with tears, I didn't know what to say or do, but Alyssa and Brianna assured me that they felt fine and that Sadie, Holly, and I didn't need to cry or worry. Either way if you see your friends just laying there helpless you don't know what to think. I'm just glad I still have both of them in my life today. Who knows how things would be if they weren't.

Tired and Busy

I just woke up around 1pm and I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep right now. I got home verrrrrry late lastnight and I didn't sleep til I finally got home. Talk about a long night! I met some very random people. They were nice guys and girls and I hadn't planned on doing so, but its not a bad thing. I'm glad I met them. Not that I really need to know more people in Joplin, but ah well, its all good. I have so much I've got to get done today before I leave my parents and head back up to Springfield. The day isn't wasted too much yet, but if I hadn't gotten home so late I could've woken up earlier today and got a running start to everything. I'm just not going to sweat it. Everything will pan out just fine.

So here's what I have realized over the last 2 days - I still have feelings for this guy. I can't exactly say why or how, but I do. I don't know if its worth it or not, but there is something about him that intrigues me like no other guy has. He looks nothing like the guy I typically go for, in fact he's near polar opposite and thats moderately strange for me, but I don't know what I'm to do about it. We kind of brought up our past and discussed it a bit. We somewhat have the same viewed feelings in a way, but from that I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I can sound really pathetic about it, but I refuse. I just think its amazing how a guy can grow so much, in a more benefiting way, (for me that is) since high school. I wish I could figure out why I feel this way, but there is something tugging at my heart strings - or atleast what's left of them and its making me think. I don't know if the moment this morning was something? It certainly seemed like it, but it could possibly only be nothing.

Going to Joplin...Again

Good afternoon! I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked lastnight. Granted I got home really late so its my own fault, oh well. Most of my evening was spent at a church, weirdly. Apparently a friend has a key to a church and so we went there and they played their guitars and sang. However I'm going to Joplin again today. The reason is because my brother is getting his stereo installed and my mom and I gotta go pick him up instead of making him sit around for 2 hours while they do their work. And in the mean time during all that, we're going to go to Best Buy and TjMaxx I think? Maybe somewhere else as well, not really sure. Either way, make for a good time killer until my brother receives a phone call in regards to his Jeep being completed so we can we head back over there and pick it up. Oh and I think after that is done we're going to try this restaurant up there called Coconuts Tropical Grill. I heard its pretty good, I guess we shall see! And apparently they have something called Pineapple Slaw. Sounds weird I know, but I think I may give it a shot. I think after dinner, I'm going to meet up with my high school friend again and hanging out with him for awhile. I've gotta contact him here in a bit and see whats up for his evening, but I figure I'm up there so I just as well anyway, right? Not like I have anything else to do really. And perhaps tonight will be interesting. Maybe I won't end up hanging out at a church again. (Ha, I kid, it wasn't that bad, just weird since it was around 10pm)

Joplin

I'm going up to Joplin tonight to see a friend that I graduated high school with...almost 3 years ago! Him and I have a small past, but its never made any difference. We're still good friends and we talk from time to time. I just told him that we needed to hang out when I came down for spring break and alas, we are. I'm not sure what we're getting into, if anything, but we shall see I guess. Being that its been a few years since we've actually seen eachother and spoke there will likely be a lot of catching up to do - which will surely take up most of the evening. I don't know when I'm driving up there or where I'm going, but I will soon find out. I think I'm meeting some of his friends he's made since playing baseball. I hope he hasn't changed too much. It will likely crush me. I know baseball boys have a reputation and I hate it. I've been around the block a few times with a baseball player or two and its never good. Talk about bad news bears. So I try to avoid those type. Although, I've gotta admit, he's different. He sings and plays guitar amazingly and he enjoys skateboarding. What baseball player is like that? Could someone possibly tell me? The answer is - none. Most ball players I know are all about baseball and hunting and perhaps even country music. I don't know why that is. But he's so much more than that. He doesn't wear camo, he hates country music, and he doesn't surround himself with baseball and baseball only. He doesn't care for video games, so yay no Halo and Call of Duty. I don't know another single player that isn't that way. Maybe I'm just crazy...

Dallas

Danny, as I mentioned before, went to Dallas yesterday to visit our friend Evan. I'm jealous because I'm stuck here in Missouri. Although, I could've gone if I wanted to apparently. Evan contacted me on myspace and said I should go with Danny down to Dallas, but I thought he was joking. Plus I don't have money to just go spend on a weekend down there. It makes me pretty sad because apparently they're going to go to a Mavericks game - I so would love to go, Six Flags I think, and something else I can't remember. Of course they're going to go out on the town and have a fantastic time as well. I wish I could've gone, that would've been so fun! Plus I need to get away from Missouri anyway. Sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that we forget to have fun with ourselves. Ok, so some of you may think thats not true, but it is for me. I take things seriously and I don't have as much fun as I should. Which I hate because I always complain that I'm not having fun with my life, but its only my fault right? Oh well...

On the upside, my good friend Alyssa is returning to Springfield Monday, finally. She was in a wreck back in August and had to have surgeries and was on bed rest for weeks! After therapy and whatnot she can finally return to Springfield and finish school. She only has about 2 months left so atleast she won't be there too long. I'm just so happy that she's back and I can actually hang out with her again. Its been so long. I've only seen her about 4 maybe 5 times since the wreck. I can't wait for Monday!

When Will He Learn

I haven't quite figured out why my other brother hasn't grasped the fact that what he does isn't right and that he hurts our family with the actions he does and with what he chooses to do with his life. He doesn't seem to make the right choices with things and always gets caught up in all the bad. It hurts my parents so bad. They can only do so much and deal with so much till they almost break. But my brother doesn't have much remorse in regards to the fact of what he does. He will feel bad for a day or two but its always back to what he always does. It never fails. I wish he would just change how he is and be who I know he can be. He's a brilliant man, but he doesn't put his smarts to work. I think he lacks some common sense. We all think that in our family. And I, myself, think that he can't tell people "no" either so all his friends take advantage of him and use him for whatever they can. He may not admit that, but I know how he is. He will do anything for anyone, which isn't always a bad thing, it can be good, but when people use you in evil ways that isn't good at all. But he doesn't know the difference between the 2 I'm pretty sure. For some reason my brother will say he's going to do something really quick, take my moms car and be gone for days. And while all this is going on my parents swear thats it and that they've had enough, he will return and they talk it all out, but it starts all over again in a matter of days. I just don't understand...will he ever get it?

What a Deal!

Today my brother, Jason, came over to visit. He needed to go to Joplin to Creative Car Audio. He's finally wanting to put a cd player in his Jeep Wrangler. After years of having his Jeep he finally decided to have one installed. I know the manager of the store in Joplin, used to date him. So I basically had to go with my mom and brother to the shop. Anyway, we head up there and we go through the typical motions of getting a cd player chosen and a date to install it. Of course I get chatted up by my previous interest, but thats nothing new coming from him. And by no means am I talking bad about him, he's a really nice guy and all, I just can't potentially have anything with him right now. Things aren't able to make that happen presently. With me back in college in Springfield and him working at his job in Joplin it makes things difficult. He's not able to make visits to me and vice versa. Anyway after we left there, we headed over to a place called Academy Sports and Outdoors. My brother was needing to find a new trampoline jumping surface. His old one got a bit chewed up in storage. So we thought maybe we could find just the mat there. No luck. Although, I have this deep fascination with athletic clothes, its quite weird, so I was meandering though all the Nike, Puma, Adidas, and Under Amour apparel and I fell in love with this white Nike jacket. I HAD to have it. I have several black jackets, but not a white one. So once I convinced my brother to get me this $40 jacket he finally agreed. We get through the check out and it turns out my jacket ended up being $10! How awesome is that! It was so meant to be. I was destined to have it, I swear. So by the end of it, I was a pretty happy camper, as was my brother since it only cost him $10 instead of $40! =)

March Madness

I am all about my bracket as usual this year for March Madness...as well as almost every guy - yes, I said guy - around the U.S. I love March Madness and everything its brings with it, although I get so mad and frustrated when my bracket gets all screwed up because of a surprising upset from an underdog team. Its one way to totally jack it all up and I lose points. And then after that, my rank goes down. I know what you're thinking, I'm a girl...why am I into the NCAA? Well I just am. I get into it every year. My girl friends make fun of me because they could care less. I will be watching the games on tv and start yelling because of some call or some stupid foul and my friends just sarcastically agree with me or in some cases just ignore me. I'm a huge UNC fan so I just always say the Tar Heels are going to win it all. I'm that confident in the team that no matter what I always root for them. Of course I get called a band wagon fan, but thats definitely not the case. I've been a fan of the Tar Heels for years. I don't even remember when I started to really get into that college team. I just hope they don't let me down WHEN they get to the Final Four. I know they will achieve that high rank nationally and when they play whomever from the East they will overcome everything and become national champs. Or atleast thats what I'm pulling for. I may get a big let down, but we shall see what happens in the coming weeks! Be ready America, UNC will dominate this year and I will see them be victorious.

Motivation and Plans

I'm going to be lacking so much motivation over this break I'm pretty sure. I don't know how I'm going to get these entries done. I know I won't do much over my break to speak about so I'll just have to muster up some randomosities to mumble about. Its very likely that this following week of posts won't be all that fun and interesting. So if I've kept you reading and I let you down this week, I'm sorry. I haven't got much going on this week that I know of. I just might see friends and call that good ha. I'm not sure if my parents have anything planned worthwhile to do. Likely not in my case. I can usually keep myself pretty occupied in most cases. Whether it be sitting at my computer just messing around online or talking with my family and whatnot. I'm sure I'll have a good time either way, no matter what it is that I end up doing. I just need to make sure I keep up with my entries for blogger. On another note, I know I'm going to start missing my friends from Springfield soon. I feel bad because Brianna lives by herself she always had me over so she didn't get bored. I think she will make it until I return. I mean, I will be back soon enough and all. Until then she will probably spend a lot of her time at her moms I'm sure. She's been sick, but I think she's almost recovered. Hopefully anyway, I mean geez, after about 3 weeks of a sickness you'd think someone would be over it. All of our immune systems are different, I know. And we all deal with sickness in different ways, but I feel awful for her cause I just want her to recover and be well enough again.

Tonight

This evening I visited an ex of mine, Danny. I haven't seen him in years! I think its close to 3 or so now. Anyway, he drove down to my parents house in Neosho from Joplin and picked me up. We went to Club 609 in Joplin for dinner. I'd never been there so I figured why not. And the menu had soooo many choices, I was at a loss at what to choose. I ended up with the Chicken Palermo. It was quite good. We also had an appetizer which was something like a buffalo chicken quesadilla? Or something along thoses lines. Whilst having dinner we notice people walking all weird outside the restaurant. They had make up on that makes them look like zombies. I had totally forgotten someone had since me some invite to a "zombie walk" on Main street. Haha, wow. I didn't think it'd actually happen. But to my surprise there they all were...zombied up! Everyone in the restaurant got a good laugh. Then a bit later, we had a bit of entertainment. Some guy was singing and playing music. Wasn't too bad, but I honestly couldn't hear anything. Oh well. After we left there, we drove around for a bit and then went over to this girl Blake's parents house and hung out with them. Not, Blake and Eric, but Blake's parents...yes, I know, but they were awesome! I wouldn't mind having them as parents honestly. (No offense to mine, I love mine to death and I wouldn't change them for anything!) After we left there, we went by his house and I got to see Luke. He's a buddy of mine from back in the day. They live together now. I thought that was convenient. I always tell Luke I'm going to visit him and I finally got a chance to see him for once. I kept my word. I hope I can possibly see him again before I leave to go back to Springfield, but we shall see!

Spring Break

This year for spring break I'm going down to my parents for the week. Just getting away from school and other shenanigans what bring me down through out the week. Over time I get dragged down and bummed about things involving classes and whatnot. Being its all I know and breathe for weeks on end. Full of homework, assignments, exams, and even some new friendships along the way. I will be glad to have school finish and done with when the time comes, but for now I have to battle through the trenches and roll with the punches that the professors give me. Hopefully I will see friends from back home and visit with them. I miss all my friends down there so much. It sucks and I hate it. They know me for who I am and respect me for how I am. I don't see many people from my hometown, nor do I care to. Not trying to make it sound bad, but once I graduated I didn't much care to keep ties with many of them. Most judged me horribly and negatively, unlike my friends from Joplin. However, all in all I wasn't a bad person to begin with. I hung out with older people because the ones from my class didn't talk to me much, unless there was no one else around to talk to - as if they would be ashamed to talk to me otherwise. I thought that was a rather good influence among my peers. I never gave in to peer pressure or anything. I did my own thing, perhaps thats whats wrong with me. I didn't listen to what anyone told me. I believed in myself and did things for myself. I hate depending on anyone or giving anyone my problems to deal with. They are my own so I take care of them myself.

iCarly

Have you ever seen iCarly? Well, I'll admit it, as a 21 year old, I actually enjoy the show. I know its directed towards pre-teens and whatnot, but its moderately enjoyable. When there isn't anything else on tv anyway. I've discovered I'm not the only one who agrees. My buddy Adam is guilty of watching the show too haha. Along with his roommates whom, are all older than I am. Around 26 years of age ha. iCarly isn't the only show in Nickelodeon I've watched. I occasionally watch Drake and Josh too. And with my luck they seem to run one right after the other on most occasions. And I will watch them if they're on. There's no doubt. My family usually in most cases make me change the channel when there is some stupid tv show on, but I think they enjoy them as well. So all in all, I think most people enjoy these comical shows on Nick. They are more versatile than they used to be I'm pretty sure. Back in the day, you would definitely have to be a kid to watch and enjoy what was on the tv network. Does anyone recall any of the shows from back in the day when they were kids? I do! They were basically the best. Including the cartoons. Rocko's Modern Life, Angry Beavers, Ren & Stimpy. I remember it like it was yesterday. I just wish I could get them on dvd so I could watch them whenever I wanted. But alas, I can't. Maybe one day they will realize the guys and girls from my generation miss their childhood shows and would love to have the chance to own them on dvd! I would seriously buy them. Then I could show my children what cartoons really are when I have them someday. Instead of exposing them to what we call tv now.

Homework and Exams

Is it just me or do professors like to pile on the homework and tests when its the week right before spring ‘break?! Haha. It seems this week is almost ridiculous with the work I'm receiving to do and have done by Friday. Its making me very stressed lately. But I will be glad to have the week over with so I can enjoy my following week down at my parents with nothing to worry about! It will be great. I have 3 tests this week. One of Thursday and two on Friday. Go figure on myself having two on Friday. Make sure we come to class I know. I just hope I do well. That’s what I'm worried about right now. If I can at least maintain the grades I have right now in my classes I will do fine the rest of the semester. If I improve them, even better! I guess we shall see what happens though right? I'm sure I'm just over analyzing it all and making it much more of a worry than I should. Although that’s my little problem, I stress out over little things that I shouldn't. My mother and friends always tell me things will work out just fine, but I always fear it won't. In the end though it usually works out pleasantly and makes me a happy camper, but I can't help but have that initial fear of "what if this happens...". I think perhaps I should try to be less stressed. It can go along with my plan of being more optimistic. My being more optimistic idea is coming along bit by bit and seems to be going well for myself, but I have discovered, I'm pissing off people. Not my intention, I'm saying things in a realistic way and as nice as I can possibly come across, but it hasn't been taken lightly apparently.

Yesterday

I had decided on Sunday afternoon after talking to my mother on the phone that I was going to be optimistic about things. I have no reason to be negative. Its going to be a struggle for me to try to look on the brighter side of things, but I'm willing to do it. However, anyway, yesterday, Monday, I was having a superb day. Went to class and all that jazz. Although my day started at 8am because of lab, there was still a little jump in my step. So I went about my day and I had planned on going running at the Chesterfield Family Center. I came to the house, I realized I didn't have any homework to do and that made me so excited. I really thought, "Man, today is a fantastic day!" Even my bank and money situation is fixed now! I no longer had to worry about it. So around 2pm I headed out the door to my car, iPod in hand and ready to go for a run. I get in my car and back out of the driveway. I start to slowly drive away and thats when I hear it. There was a flapping noise that I didn't hear earlier in the day. I stop in the middle of the street and open my car door to look back and see I have a flat tire. Yes, a flat tire! Here I was thinking today was such a great day and now I have to deal with a tire. Awesome. So my grandfather comes home and sees me staring at my tire. I was pondering what to do with the situation. God knows I can't change the thing. I know my grandpa can't, he's too old. So drats! I called my dad and asked him what I should do, but I decided to try to do it myself and at no avail I didn't succeed. I text my buddy Chad and asked him to help, he said he would after he got off work. All while I'm having to text like 5 other people this cause they aren't understanding why I stopped replying. I'm getting disgruntled. Finally my grandpa decides we should go get that can of "Fix a Flat" or whatever. And we did. Only $5. So I put that in there so I could just air up the tire enough to drive it somewhere to get fixed. Well as its airing it up, I hear air coming right back out! I feel around and then I get pricked! The wires from my tire on the inner side close to the axle are exposed. No wonder I have a flat! After all that, we get in my car and drive to Bridgestone. The guys were super nice to me there - gee, wonder why. They look at it and put it up in the air. One guy comes in the waiting room needing my attention to go out there and look. He shows me that the tire is "loose" by shaking it and I thought, well that isn't right. Well, apparently the bearing is ruined. Which if gone unnoticed can totally throw off my alignment and I'd be in more trouble. Great! Just another thing added. The bill was already $90 something for just a new tire to be put on. I waited about 2 1/2 hours there for them to get done. (They had to wait on the part to get there) In the end my grandpa was out close to $500, just for a damn tire! I feel so bad, ugh, talk about an expensive day!

(If this doesn't make sense, my apologies. I get really into stories haha)

Heart Attack

When my dad had a heart attack back in 2005, I found that to be very significant and life changing for me. I had grown up thinking here's this man, my hero. He's so invincible, but he's not invincible at all. He's just like anyone else. Like you or me. In the blink of an eye I almost lost him forever. It really made me realize that life is precious and you've got to value every moment you have with someone, big or small. You never know what might happen and life can be taken away at any moment.

That morning when I woke to get ready for school, I took a shower and went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water, as I always did in high school. When I made my way through the living room I noticed my father making the strangest sounds and sweating. I was completely confused. I asked him if he was ok and he slightly mumbled he was fine. I knew something was wrong. Later, when I finally got dressed and ready for school, I came back down and my dad was up trying to walk around, he was stumbling like he was drunk! I had no idea what was going on. Next think I know he said he needed to go to the hospital and he almost fell to his knees in weakness. I didn't know what to do. I was at a loss. I was 17 and in that moment I couldn't even remember how to get to the hospital! So I ran upstairs and woke Joe, my brother. I told him dad needed to go to the hospital and he shot up, very alert to everything. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't know, but he said he needed to go. I didn't know what to do so he said he'd take him. Apparently he made a 30 minute drive to Joplin in about 10 minutes to one of the best cardiovasular hospitals around, St. Johns. I went about my way going to school that day, but I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with my father. I wasn't focused on anything but that the entire day. I even told a teacher that I was likely expecting a phone call from my family and I explained what had happened. He said it was perfectly fine and if I needed anything to let him know. I finally received a phonecall in his class and my mom told me my dad was going into surgery the next day. I obviously missed school and stayed at the hospital the entire Wednesday when he had his surgery. They had to do 6 bypasses and we were informed that he had been having a heart attack for a few days. It was just slowly building. I was so glad we got him to the hospital in time. He spent a week there then he was released to go home! Quite a quick recovery I'd say. Although he wasn't able to return to work or do much around the house for the next month or so.

I'm just so thankful he's here today. I don't know where I'd be or how I'd get by without him! Love you daddy!

A Shrink Without the License

Apparently I'm a wonderful person to talk to when you're having problems. As I'm informed anyway. Ever since I can remember, atleast since around 7th grade, if not before that, I've been one that people can turn to when they're facing something difficult. Or even with any sort of a problem they're having. And they ask for my honest opinion. I'm guessing they trust me and what my thoughts are. I have no hesitation at firing my thoughts at someone. Take it or leave it. It might help you or it might not. It all depends if you let it sink in and consider it. But usually my flat out honestly is right. Most of the time I've come to realize is that its usually my guy friends or even my exes who come running to me needing answers. Whether its regarding a girl or just an opinion on what they should do about something, I get it all piled on me. I know why they ask me about girls...I'm a girl, so of course they figure I have all the answers they could possibly need to know. Which may or may not be true. Not all girls are the same, nor will they have the same response to something. I like to consider myself a "guys girl", in which case I mean that I can relate to guys better than girls and can totally hang out with guys better than girls. I have 2 older brothers and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never been "too overly" girly, but I do know that I am girly enough to enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty. Every girl loves that, hands down. Plus I did go to cosmetology school, so I must enjoy my female side a little bit. =)

Future

I wish I knew my future and what it holds for me. But don't we all want to know that?? I really just wish I knew what my career is going to end up being - cause as of late, I keep jumping from one to the other, who it is that I'm supposed to marry - hell, it could even be someone I already know, but they haven't appealed to me yet, if I will have boys or girls for children and their names - I've been hoping for 2 boys for years haha. Where will I live as I grow older? Will everything work itself out in the end? Everyone says it will, but I have my doubts because nothing ever works out for me. I don't have the best luck...with anything, to put it simply. This may just be me complaining, but it never fails, just when I think everything may work out fine, something comes up from behind and pushes me. So then I'm covered in dirt, or in this case, I become this huge pessimist about EVERYTHING and I stay that way until I think its time to stop complaining about what happened last and move on. This can last merely a day to weeks at a time. Depends on what happened. I personally think I'm overly cursed when it comes to guys, but what do I know I guess. Here's part of the problem - I used to put myself out there too much and get rejected and now I don't put myself out there enough so guys don't think I'm really interested in them. I don't know how to make it a happy medium. Ugh. I need guidance more than anything I think. If I only knew someone who could help me. Anyone know a life coach? Haha.

In the Way

I currently have a few situations "in my way" as of late. And its really starting to take its toll on me. I mentioned the scam I got into last week...that's still being settled. As far as I know anyway. So I'm still sitting in the negative in my bank account and that's very frustrating for me. I've never been negative in/for anything in my life! So its a low blow. I also have no job right now, which I'm working on trying to get - hm, working on, how ironic. And on top of that, I thought I was going to have problems with tuition. I received a letter informing me that there were costs that needed to be paid. And by the way it sounded, it was as if my A+ wasn't going to cover it. So I started to freak out because I thought I was going to have to drop my classes this semester and completely start again this fall. I went by the cashiers office after classes yesterday, and alas, it is all good. I only owe about $40 some dollars, just for my labs. Thank god! So that just rolled right off my back. But! I also have to worry about my classes and that I need to study for them. Thats stressing me out. They seem to be piling on homework lately. I think its because we have springbreak coming up on the 23rd so they want to get in as much as they can. Which is making it difficult for my social life currently. (Not that I have a huge one anyway, but with the one I do have its getting overtaken) Oh well. They should understand that I'm making school a top priority. Maybe not number one, but its a close 2nd. I, myself, am number one. I'm trying to keep my happiness elevated and my sadness at base. I know this will all pass, as they say, but I wish I could get all this sorted out sooner!

Warmer Weather

Here's what I've been thinking for the past couple days: When the weather gets warm again, I'm going to start running (definitely not around the neighborhood - probably on some public trail close to where I live), but I need to start. I think it will be good for me to just let out built up stress and frustrations. Plus I'll get in fairly decent shape while I'm at it. I'm going to slowly try to get into the swing of exercising, running, and working out everyday. Or at least every other day. Its a goal I'm setting and I intend to reach it. I just hope I don't let myself down. I would like to have someone accompany me, but I doubt that will happen. So I shall be flying solo on this one I guess.

I love winter, but I hate it at the same time. I love it cause its cooler and its so beautiful with blankets of snow. But its downfall is the fact that you can't be very active during the winter so you pack on pounds! (I may not look like it, but I know my body haha) The warmer months are more pleasurable in the fact that I can go outside and burn fat and calories - slim down more, but I HATE sweating. I just hate that feeling. I instantly want to go take a shower and restart my day. Its nauseating to know that even if you were to walk around stark naked on a typical July day you would still feel miserable and clammy. I hate that. If the weather could be around 65-75 year round somewhere I'd be set for life. I'd never live anywhere else. Now if only I can find this paradise of wonder and enjoyment I seek!

Incubus Tour!

It was announced today that Incubus IS actually going to have a U.S. Tour this summer! (It was in talks for awhile and it wasn't very likely) So if you know me at all, you are well aware that I'm a HUGE Incubus fan, so I'm pretty stoked about it. Its been a couple years since I've seen them last, which was also when they last had a U.S. tour. Last time around it was called The Light Grenades Tour and this time its called the Monuments and Melodies Tour. They will be in Kansas City on July 19th and in St. Louis on the 23rd. I'm bound to make it to the KC show one way or another. With friends in tow I'm sure. Two years ago when I saw them at the very same venue they're playing this year in KC, I went with 13 of my friends. It was a blast! I'm hoping to have a huge group of us again, that would be great! Either way, I'm going to figure out how to attend the show! Its a goal of mine right now, definitely...well that and finishing this semester of college on a positive note.

I'm just shooting for this time to not get trampled by some huge fat guy so I can see the WHOLE show. I had to be taken out of the crowd by security in 2007 because I couldn't breathe since some massive man was basically beating me down. Although I did end up backstage haha. I can't complain too much. But I do want to completely enjoy the show....so I'm hoping I can coming this July!

Did I mention they have a Greatest Hits album coming out on June 16th? Well they are, better grab that up when it comes out. You know I will be there first day to snatch it up!

Like I said...

Hate to say I told ya so.

I've gotta give her props for having enough stamina to put up with him that long. I, on the other hand wouldn't have done so. First sign of a "red flag", he would've been gone, but she kept giving him the benefit of the doubt every time. And time and time again she would ask my opinion on her situation and as a good friend I would tell her I didn't think she should keep going with it. If you complain more than sing praises its not worth it. And I don't believe it was healthy for either of them quite honestly. They rushed into their whole relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend in less than a week of actually knowing who each other are. Then they wanted to move in together. Crazy! I can't do that...at all. (And they didn't move in together...just fyi) They did actually last longer than I thought they would, but I knew he wasn't the guy for her. They would never have "forever". Not saying he's a bad guy cause he's not, he was sweet to her and he treated her pretty well, but they weren't a good fit in my opinion. I love my best friend and I want her to be completely happy with someone. So just to clarify things, I am in no way bad-mouthing either of them, I'm just glad it ended well on both parts so it wasn't a nasty break up. Now I'm just wondering how long she'll actually stay single. She told me she plans on it for awhile, but trust me, this girl never stays single, she jumps into relationships. Always wanting to have someone there. Which is fine - its her and not me. I like to think of myself as independent =)

Why Try

I'm still trying to figure out why I try to befriend someone. They make it out that I'm this terrible person, or so it seems to me, but I'm not that awful and its very upsetting. I try to make good with him, but I still get crap for everything! I try to be nice and check up on him cause he got in a bike wreck lastweek, but even when I ask how he was doing I basically got told that I didn't care. Ok...so you're saying you don't want me to ask about you? See how you've been? How you feel? Cause I mean if thats what you want, you can certainly have that. I'm just trying to be "friends" with you since thats what you said I needed to do. But you're making it rather difficult for me to even try when you keep cutting me down. Maybe I SHOULD stop talking to you. You bring me nothing but misery and frustration. I still to this day don't understand how I used you and took you for granted. I never asked for anything. I never said I wanted anything. I never said you had to do anything. You did it all on your own free will, in your own leisure. I should not be the one to blame for your actions. I did appreciate the things you did, but I shouldn't get bitched out by you whenever I do/say something that displeases you. Its not my fault I didn't like you beyond friendship. You can't control how you feel. Plus buying me things didn't get you any closer to me. I'm not materialistic. I am just who I am. Take me or leave me. Your choice, but I can't do this anymore. You drag me down and I'm worth so much more.

I'm going to smile because I deserve to.

Lost Feelings

Have you ever had such emotional feelings for someone and that person didn't want you anymore so you crushed the feelings you once had for that person? Only to find out that person wants you back in their life and you absolutely don't feel the same anymore? Well I'm dealing with that exact situation right now. I can easily have this guy back in my life if I wanted, but I discovered lastnight while hanging out with him and his friends that I just don't think I could ever feel the same for him like I used to. That may sound awful, but when you've moved on what can you do right? I was testing to see if I still had any of those feelings there for him, but honestly, they are non-existant now. I can't seem to find them anymore. He's a really great guy though and he's hardworking and successful. He will do great things with himself, but I just don't think him and I can work things out to be together. Atleast definately not right now. I'm up here going to school and he's in Joplin working all the time. Maybe when I get through some school and get myself sorted I can see where things stand, but I honestly don't have high hopes for him and I. Which makes me pretty sad in some aspects, but I can't exactly control how my heart feels. When its made up its mind there's not going back. If I move on, I'm done. I rarely go back to someone who didn't want me the first time. I will always have that lingering thought of..."Am I good enough?" Cause if I wasn't the first time, why will it be different the second time around?? Hm...who knows what my future holds, I just wish someone would tell me. I'm growing restless...

Drivers

There are ridiculous and crazy drivers out there! Not that its any surprise. I thought my hometown was bad, but when I moved up here about a year and a half ago I realized Springfield is much worse. Granted, I'm a pretty engaging driver myself. My friends make fun of me cause I just whip around and gun it when I can. I'm just fortunate to not have any mishaps so far. I have fell asleep at the wheel though. Thats a long story, sort of. Basically, to sum it up, it was Thanksgiving Day, got up at 9am, drove to Springfield, had dinner, drove home. Then it was Black Friday so I stayed up, went in to work at 5am till 4pm annnnd apparently drove home. I don't remember the drive, at all. But I made it to Neosho then fell asleep while still trying to finish driving home. I do think though, that old people are the worst drivers around. I'm not trying to stereotype and be hateful. I'm just speaking truth. It seems most of the time when I get frustrated at a driver its usually a senior citizen because apparently they think they have the right of way no matter what orrr they cut me off. Nothing is worse than cutting someone off I'm pretty sure. We've all been there. And just because I drive a New Beetle doesn't mean I'm THAT slow. Cut me some slack. Speaking of cars, I'm hoping to get a new car soon. Within this year anyway. I'd really like to get it within the next 6 months, but we shall see what happens I guess. I miss having a little get up and go. So I'm planning on (atleast) an 06 or 07 Mustang...possibly GT. That would make me beyond happy. I have an obsession with going fast, no matter what. I think I get it from my dad. And yes, I know it could get me in a lot of trouble, but its just so fun. I can't help it. =)

Scams

After about 2 hours of phonecalls and no progress, I broke down into tears of frustration and anger today. I got scammed. If you've ever been scammed in your life you likely know how I feel. So now I've got to drive down to my parents tomorrow and deal with this situation with the bank. Sweet. Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday. If you've ever heard of "Bar Careers" just ignore it. I, being the typical stupid human being, fell into this cortex of belief. Let me start this out for you:

A couple weeks ago, I called this 800 number in hopes of getting something good. I talked to a friendly lady named Debbi Knight. And she made this sound good right? Well, even though I said I didn't want to do it, she wasn't having any of that. She MADE me go through with it. Said I could cancel if I wanted to later or I could change the date to a further time, whenever it was convenient for me. I said, well fine, whatever. Gave her my debit card number, yes I'm that stupid, and made everything final. After all that, I had information handy for me to access if I wanted to call up Customer Service and cancel the program. Well, I've been trying to call for 2 days and I got nothing - no one answered! Go figure. I even called the people to sign up to see what the deal was and the guy hung up on me! So then I called my bank to have them "hot card" my debit card. So it no longer works for now. I'm getting a new one soon though. But either way, they've put a "hold" on the amount I'm being charged so either way its supposed to go through. Just my luck. However, now I've got to go down to Neosho tomorrow morning to "dispute" the situation and get my money back...or keep it...whatever. Fun fun.

So my advice is, don't let someone scam you. If they start forcing whatever it is upon you, just hang up/leave...wherever the situation arises! I learned my lesson, thats for sure.

Dying Flame

I haven't understood just exactly why my "previous budding interests" come back. They didn't want me before, why would they want me again? Ya know? Its confusing to say the least. Around twice a month, I get atleast 2 different guys (likely one is a repeat from the month before) and they tell me they want me back. You'd think he would get the hint that I'm not going back. Apparently I'm wrong. And all in all this gets so messed up. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. You can't expect to use me, toss me, and then just waltz right back into my life like nothing happened. Sad part is, if I were to take them back I'd either fall right back into the way things were and be this push-over like always, or I'd become someone they wouldn't like. Which could make for a sticky situation. You'll come to find out I complain A LOT about my non-existant love life. Everyone says its my fault I'm alone, "You can have anyone you want!" they say. Ok, right, since the ones I always seem to want aren't into the idea of making an effort to try for ANYTHING. I'm not pushy or anything, I'm go with the flow. I don't want to see someone everyday. I'd break it off myself out of annoyance of seeing someone so much. I just want communication. I think that's pretty key in all forms of a relationship, aside from trust and honesty, etc. Just let me know you're interested in me or I'll leave you alone. Its quite simple. Yet, I still get that lingering feeling from most guys I get involved with. They don't exactly want me, but yet they don't want anyone else to have me either. I can't win. =(

Old Friends

I was thinking about all my old friends from way back when today. Ok, not WAY back when, but from high school...which was about 3 years ago now. Wow...weird to think about. I've been out of school that long? Crazy! Atleast I've been doing some good with my time since then though. Doesn't make me feel as bad, ha. Anyway, I was just thinking to myself that I changed my "group of friends" a lot. I either added more to my circle or I got rid of some and gained others. Now, I'm not meaning it bitchy. Its just growing apart from someone and getting close to others. Its all part of life. You find out who you are and you find out who people are then realize you have nothing in common to even be friends. Honestly, I've always been different from my friends, all of them. I've never felt like the typical girl. I have 2 older brothers, which is very apparent if you know my personality. It'd be so strange to have a sister and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I seem like an only child, which is almost true to an aspect as well. (My brothers are very much older than I am) And most of the time, people think I'm an only child...whatever right? So as I sat around after class, figuring out what I was going to do with my time on this beautiful day, (I came to the conclusion that its going to be wasted on homework.), I was reminiscing on old times...the good, the bad, the best ever, and the just plain awful. I've made numerous friends over the years and I truly value every friendship I've made and will continue to make with everyone I meet. All my experiences have shaped who I am today and I wouldn't change it for the world. I like who I have become. I may not always be the best person, but I certainly try my best to make the most of whatever situation may arise. I've learned many lessons about family, friends, and the ever famous...love, as I've grown up. And I've taken them all with a grain of salt. Things are never going to be easy, I've accepted that, but I just wish there weren't so many bumps along the way...

Annoyed

I had an annoyance occur today, twice actually. Not that its uncommon, but its something that just bothers me to no end. Some may not care to hear what I have to say, but I am a woman and I have morals, respect, and dignity. I seem to come across to most guys as some, for lack of a better word...object. Its almost as if they don't care that I have feelings or a personality. Now I'm not saying every guy is like that, but I will say its around 60%, if not more. I'm not trying to be mean and nit-pick. I just get so frustrated that I'm viewed that way. I'd say I'm a moderately intelligent woman in today's society. When someone gets to know me they find out who I am and generally like me. I rarely cross paths with someone who won't get along with me.

Another thing, I haven't understood why trying to have a boyfriend, or even dating someone is a game. If someone could explain that to me, I'd appreciate it. My friend and I discuss this all the time. We don't know why you can't just like someone, have them like you back and just be together. If only it were that simple right? Psh. Instead we've gotta play this stupid little mind game where we act like we don't like you so that you'll be interested and vice versa! Its very unnerving! Probably a reason I've been single for over the past 2 years. I get frustrated and give up. Yes, I've dated quite a bit, but it never goes anywhere beyond that. And what gets me is that they say I'm a great girl and all. "Such a sweetheart and fun to be around", but yet totally don't want me, haha, wow. Blows my mind. Although after all is said and done they decide they actually want to have some sort of relationship with me, but I'm so over the situation that I don't care anymore.

And to think, I actually thought I had it all figured out...or atleast pretty well figured out, guess I was wrong... =(

Private Valentine

So...this is my first post on blogger. I do have another blog account with livejournal as well.

Anyway, I hate feeling sick. (Who doesn't right??) I've felt awful for the past couple days. And if anyone can diagnose me, that would be awesome! Lets see, I had indigestion yesterday morning that eventually turned into a major upset stomach. Which has rolled over to today and tonight. I've taken medicine of all sorts, but nothing is working. Ugh.

However, this evening my friend and I had seen previews for a movie called Private Valentine. Sooo...we got the urge to rent it. In case you haven't heard of it, it stars Jessica Simpson. Just for the record, I'm definately not a fan of her. Brianna and I decided we wanted to watch it out of sheer laughter. We were kind of curious to see how it was. The movie wasn't a huge let down. I'm quite surprised. I thought it was going to be completely terrible. I still don't think Jessica is a fantastic actress or anything, but it was mildly entertaining.

The extent of the movie is exactly how the title sounds. She joins the army. Before all that she apparently has some amazing movie career and then all her money gets stolen by her uncle. So she loses everything, even her boyfriend. Winds up on the front steps of an Army recuiter and from there she goes to South Carolina and attends boot camp. Its nothing but misery at first, but realize its something completely worth it and finishes. Of course she ends up the victor in the end and everyone just loves her...go figure.

Overall I'd prob give the movie a...6? Around there. I don't think I'd ever watch it again by any means. Nor do I suggest it. Its just one of those, if you're curious, like we were, things. Check it out if you feel compelled.